Relationships? Can they survive an IC diagnosis>

[Elsibeth]

Bobby and I are at it daily now,
He says its me, but I have tried the, keep your mouth shut approach and am acting more as an observer as I also try to monitor my behavior

he says Im like a looping tape ,saying thesame things over and again.
Says THE DESEASE as he calls it,
Is trying t take him down with it, Me first of course and then him..
He is, it seems, pickinh the arguments, He told metonight that he is gfetting his own private vank account, and that now he feels that hehas to protect himself.
next thing will be him moving me or him moving himself to the guest room, last night heslept there..what the heck?

He is having his son come and live with us now, NOW
Kind of m nedthe emotional support here to end this kind of frlling to the timing, ya know...

SOm, ok Lets hear It?
How did yours react?
Did it ever get t back to loving supportivehim/her after this first bought of reality checks? My heart breaks for me and forhim, he didnt sign on for this ride, ad I think he is getting a bit spoked, alll day longI purposely didnt yalk,,Oh well..
if they want o bark, they find a reason. :help: :grouphug:

TTYS

E

[K9wife]

It is true that IC affects our significant others as well as us, and if there was an easy lesson for them we would all sign on! Sometimes I think they are speaking and acting out of frustration for not understanding, and for fear of what their future will be too....? I like to read the posts from spouses, and am always amazed when a spouse (or significant other) takes it upon themselves to come here to try to learn more about IC and what would make their partner get thru IC easier. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we all had partners that caring and selfless? But the sad truth is that most ICers do not. Has he ever come to this site and read some posts here? Maybe that would help him to understand that HE isn't alone in HIS private struggle either, just as it helps all of us in that way. I think we all feel some guilt about putting our partners thru something they didn't "sign up" for, but real love is putting the other's needs first, and sometimes that means they have to think of us first. Then, on good IC days, we can turn the tables and put THEM first. I have been married for 28 years and was diagnosed with IC our first year.....we had 2 children, and now 2 grandchildren, and although the IC has reared its ugly head from time to time in the midst of it all and tried to get in between my hubby and me, we stood strong and kept our priorities in line. If you feel strongly enough that this person is the one you want to grow old with, bring him to this site (lovingly!!!) and give him some time alone to sift thru the posts about how IC affects everyone's lives, and yet they DO get thru. Maybe he is just scared, too, and can't show you in the right ways. Being educated about it helps a lot! Do you have a Support Group nearby? Maybe the Support of other spouses/partners would make him feel less alone. ( I have an IC friend whose 1st marriage ended because of her IC, and now we have started a Support Group here to help not only ourselves but also our families understand IC better....by the way, for what its worth- she is now married again to a wonderful man whose entire family supports her too!!!) Don't give up on a relationship that is important because of IC. If there are other issues causing problems, that's another story, but we CAN'T let IC beat us!!!!!!!!

[ICNDonna]

Adversity can go two directions --- it can make a couple closer --- or it can distance them. The best advice I can think of for you is to see a counselor. If your husband isn't willing to go, then go alone. It can make a huge difference.

Sending encouraging hugs,
Donna

[dolphinfire]

Sorry to hear you are having problems, I agree with Donna. If counseling doesn't help the relationship it can at least help you deal with whats going on. If you can't get him to go to counsiling with you, then involve him some how in yours. Let him see you are trying. You have to remember that it is hard on him as well. You are not the same person and even though he might seem like a jerk, he needs to work through his own issues with whats going on with you. Men like to fix things, make them better. This is something he cant' fix. He might be feeling helpless. I would be patient go to counseling and try to show him that you want it to work. Good luck! and lots of :grouphug:

[liznazz]

I hope things work out well for you. I believe in counseling, and would strongly suggest this if your significant other will go with you. My story is different... I was married for 22 years.... After my diagnosis (April 2004), my ex was worried more about having sex frequently rather than how I was feeling. My first few months were painful, and I had frequent UTI'.... not very condusive for sexual activity. He found himself a girlfriend within 3 months, and in October decided to go for the divorce. We were divorced a few months ago. He never recognized IC as a disease--- just telling me to "suck up the pain and live with it... it isn't cancer, you know" (Just what I wanted to hear). I have to say my life is less stressful now, and I am concentrating on MYSELF with the help of my family and good friends. This is MY story--however, there are plenty of husbands on the boards whom I have read about that truly support their wives in everyway possible. Everyone has their own individual reaction on how they cope with illness. Mine, unfortunately, couldn't as I was dragging down his social life also. I hope things work out well for you. Good luck! liz

[Melanie]

Donna's words are very true.

My IC began about 3-4 months into my relationship w/ Mike. I was diagnosed 1 year after meeting him. We've since moved into together, went to a couples therapist (and our individual therapists), got engaged and got married. We've been together for 8 yrs and married for 4.

IC is a struggle for me & our relationship. But in many ways it has made us work hard to have a better relationship. Those skills we've learned helped us to overcome horrible tragedy last year. It's not easy, but completely worth it.

Best wishes & good luck.

[VickiB]

Elisabeth, so sorry you're going through this heartbreaking situation. Most definitely relationships can survive an IC diagnosis. Even as Donna mentioned, can be strengthened by it!

Really though, it's not the IC. I know of very, very few lasting relationships which haven't been tested by some sort of major adversity. So, we got dealt IC. But it could just as well be a serious car accident, a stroke, cancer, even a major financial crisis. Why does one relationship thrive, even flourish, while another falls to pieces? I think if the relationship is meant to be it'll survive IC. And if it doesn't, it probably wouldn't survive the next major bump in the road that's almost surely ahead of you!

Big hugs for you through this rough time!

Vicki

[cyndbear]

I hate to say it but my relationship went through a hard time to. He was so used to me being healthy that when I got diagnosed it took him and I three years to deal with it. I needed to take care of myself and we both were grieving in our own ways. I really was upset with him that it took me a couple years and counselling to realize that when he acted out in anger he was feeling helpless too. There was a time I was in tears in my Uro office telling him how hard it had been and he said marriages do break up. He gave me the truth and I needed to accept it and quit fearing it. I worked on myself a lot and my husband begain to see changes in me that motivated him to get help for himself. We are close now but for a time we were not. He said it was like having a person inbetween us. I also let my husband talk to my Uro a couple times and I think he begain to see it but it took time to adjust to it. Two years latter he had health problelms and I was there for him. I forgave him and myself and was there for him. Like alot of posts say you really have no idea what can happen with your health. I think thats why they in sickness and in health. I never even thougnt about sickness at such an early age. Come 50 to 60 years I was thinking something would happen and I would be prepaired to deal with it then. We are never really prepaired for anything, I think the best we can do is try when something did come along. My boys are teenagers now and I thought I was preparied for it all well what a blow when I ended up in my room crying and realizing that maybe things are difficult now but we will work through it. I have my husband with me on this. Lots of Love cyndbear

[sheryl*]

I have been witht he same person almsot 13 yrs now, been married 8 of those years,a nd have 2 children. We often go through ups and downs, but he is is sensitive to wether i haev pain, adn its only been in the last few months i have learned I have ic, bu tthe pain fo intercosures has been there always, so we have learned to modify, and whathelps, and we move along, soemtimes a little rough around the edges, but we make it through. (we have always had sepearte banks accountsLOL). I agree with counseling too, Its worth a try. wishing you the best......

[sheryl*]

Oh and also I thought may be worth a note, surving realtionships is what caught my eye on this tread, my biggest hurdle right now withthe entore family is i dont go in the sun, make me very sick, and we have a new pool, and unless it very overcast(and yes I am wearing sunscreen!!), or raining, I dont go on the sun, I wont even go outside if its very hot and humid, makes me very sick, and this disturbs the rest of the family, the think i am a party pooper, what they dont realize is that the heat and sun make me very sick, which in turns any symptoms I am having, does anyone else encounter these type of hurdles too??.....