losing touch with reality

[Megraven]

I’m scheduled on May 25th for a CT of my kidneys and a cysto. right afterwards. I’m pretty nervous about this. I have to say that I have been OBSESSING over this!! I have looked everything up about what causes a high white blood cell count and that my Urologist seems convinced that it’s something more serious than IC. The good thing about this is that if it isn’t IC, maybe it’s something that can be cured and I won’t have to be living with something else for the rest of my life. (I have IBS)

I’m pretty much just losing my mind right now. I don’t know where to go with my life or where my life is taking me and I have no idea if I’m doing the right things. A while ago, I was in this “poor me” syndrome where nobody understands the mental pain and physical pain that I had been going through. Now, my doctor thinks that something more serious is going on with me than IC and I’m so worried about it. What if it is cancer? What if it is IC? I know that the “what if’s” are going to get me know where quick but I’m having a heck of a time quitting that way of thinking. I’m so sad that I really have no one to turn to right now for support. Everyone I know seems to be too wrapped up in their own stuff to be worrying about mine. I don’t blame them, I am too wrapped up to be worried about theirs, I guess. (not true since I am always trying to help my fiancé with his arms that hurt him all of the time) I just feel so lost. I don’t have a conscious contact with God and I know that’s why I’m freaking out. My faith is not gone but I don’t remember how to apply it to my everyday life. I have gained 15lbs since I quit smoking and my appetite is soooooooo big now. My boss tells everyone that, “when it’s lunch time, that girl will put some food away!”. Not that I care about that, just that my clothes will not fit if I gain another 3lbs or so.
Ah, I could go on for hours about how screwed up I feel. If I thought that “this too shall pass”, I wouldn’t be worried as much. I just feel hopeless right now. I cry all of the time for no reason and for good reason. It doesn’t really matter what the situation is. I just cry. L

I just need a break from my everyday life. I really just need to get away for a while.

Thanks for listening.
Meg

[Dusty]

Meg,
I know it doesn't seem like it to you right now, but it is going to be alright.
You are feeling many things that a whole lot of us have gone through and some still do..we just have maybe different reasons that push us to the edge of our limits. I get scared and overwhelmed also with things. I don't think I know anyone that doesn't. You need to be able to talk,vent,cry and so on and know that your heard and it is O.K. that your not going to be judged and so on..you just want to be heard and people here will listen. I call it unloading when I have a friend that sounds off..then apologizes..there is nothing to be sorry for when your facing many things in your life at once. It is very overwhelming. I have been there and often am there again and again of late. Just having someone for you to talk to will help you. To know you can just unload and all will be O.K. with doing that will help you. You just did unload a lot about what your facing. I hope it made you feel better. And maybe for now you can't be there for someone else. There comes times in our lives where we just can't because what we are facing is too much. That is O.K. also. If you can to help break your thought pattern of what your going through then try it and see if it brings you some relief from your own overload right now. If you can't..don't worry about it..as you are facing alot at once and don't have a lot of answers yet.
God, HE is a big and HE understands you and how you feel right now and that is O.K. too. He knows your struggling and all. HE still loves you and cares about you despite what you can give back to him. HE also still listens.
Just keep sharing like you just did as people here will help support you through this time of your life. If it gets too overwhelming for you and you feel you need more than you can get here consider calling your doctor and asking for help right now. I have had to do that during extreme stressful times before. Do something if you can that helps take your mind off of this for just a short time even if that is all you can get. Maybe something you enjoy and love to do. Like calling yourself a time out from all this stress to give yourself some time to unwind,revitalize and regroup. It is hard to do when so much is going on at once..just pamper yourself a little each day if you can to help, thats what I mean.
Know people here understand and are here for you also.
People care here and that helps.
Dusty

[ICNDonna]

I understand. The most difficult thing about any illness is the waiting for the tests and test results.

Hang in there!

Donna

[bunnykinb]

I understand what you are going through. There are many times when I get major flare ups and I feel so depressed that I ask God why am I going through this now. Why couldn't it have waited until I was 60 when my young kids wouldn't need a mom to take care of them as they do now. I felt so hopeless.

If you can, try talking with your doctor and let him/her know how you feel. There are many people here too. And, it is nice to have private messages with a few people to correspond to. I found someone here that I PM frequently. I think without her, I would feel alone.

bunnykinb

[2flyingdogs]

Hi Megraven,
I hope you feel a little better today!! If I did not know better I would think I had written your posting. You described perfectly what I am going through, inlcuding a possible kidney problem. I don't yet have an appointment for a CT and cysto, but my doctor called last night to tell that we need to schedule them. I too have made myself sick playing the "what if" game and I too have no one in my life that I can talk to about my fears. The only difference between our stories is that I have already had one cysto and unfortunately I do have IC. Hopefully, you will be much luckier than I was!! Please feel free to email me if you need a cyber shoulder to cry on.

Make sure to update the posting once you get the results from your test!
I hope you feel better soon!
2flyingdogs

[vm]

Megraven - You sound so much like me with the worrying. I do the EXACT thing - obsessive, obsessive worry and research. Sometimes it is good for me b/c I get it all out of my system and just wear myself down. Other times it is destructive for me b/c I go off the deep end in my fantasies and worry myself sick - over the top! LOL

Just "talk" to God - just open that channel to Him. It doesn't have to be a fancy prayer or said in a fancy place - just open your heart to Him. Ask Him to help you with your worry - help give you direction and He will. :kissing: He is always waiting for us no matter how long it's been!

[dyno]

Meg, I have done the same thing before. It can make you crazy! Hang in there and I will keep you in my prayers.