marriage

[navemj]

My boyfriend and I have been talking about marriage. I was just wondering how you married folks handle IC? I am so scared of marriage. I am always sick. I am barely holding on to my job. Sometimes I wonder how I am supposed to be a wife? He has been wonderful. He never complains that I have to go to the bathroom a hundred times or about all my medications. I know that sex will be painful. I always worry that it wouldn't be fair to him if we got married and all he got done was taking care of me. Anyone got any advice? I really need some. He is coming in from Iraq next week and I am pretty sure he is going to propose. How do I get past the fear of getting married with IC? That is the only thing that is stopping me. Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks,
mary

[Annie2]

There was a very good answer to this exact question in the "Ask Frannie" column here at the ICN. Go to http://www.ic-network.com/frannie/ and scroll down 'til you find this question.

Do keep in mind many of us were married when we developed IC. Our spouses have had to accept this illness and adjust to it just as we have. We had no choice in accepting this. Your boyfriend has a choice. He doesn't have to ask you to marry him. Should he propose, you will know his level of committment to you is tremendous. That level of love and commitment is to be cherished. If you love him and are committed to him, too.......what a blessing!

Annie

[traceann]

I agree with Annie, he's around by choice, not because of "legality", lol. That is one special man if he's caring more about wanting YOU to be his wife, instead of what life will be like married to IC, ;) Do not let that one go!!! Say yes yes yes yes yes! And don't think twice about it! Oh, and congrats too, hee hee, keeping my fingers crossed for you!!!

Hugs,
Tracey :)

[stacey79]

I have to agree with the others. It sounds like you have a really good man. I've been married for five and a half years. When my husband I first met, I was having bladder problems, but they got better. When we got engaged and married I wasn't having them, but they came back about three years ago. He's been wonderful.

I think you'll find that being married to a man who is understanding and caring (which sounds like your is) is that you have a support system. He can hold your hand through difficult tests or procedures or just help you get your medicine when you are feeling too bad to get up. Marriage is a wonderful combination of romance and friendship. My husband has seen me at my very worst and it's brought us even closer. He's the one I want around when I'm not feeling well. He's the only one I can be completely honest with about how I feel. Even with my parents I am not as open and able to talk about some of my symptoms. And he's the one who can make me laugh when I really need to. He keeps me sane.

I also know that marriage is a two-way street. Neither partner should be the one doing all the giving. Even with IC, there are things we can do for our spouses. Being supportive of them as they are of us can mean just listening when they've had a hard day. We can encourage them to follow their dreams. On good days, we can make their favorite foods or run errands they hate to. I work from home for myself, so I can set my own hours as long as I get my work done. One thing I do for my husband is make phone calls. He's busy at work, so I can call and get him into the allergist or make an appointment to get his oil changed. Things like that.

Also, don't be afraid to talk with your boyfriend about your concerns. Communciation is huge. I know my husband and I have frequently had conversations about this topic. I'll ask what I can do to make dealing with IC easier for him or things like that. I'll tell him when I need to just vent and not need for him to provide solutions.

I'm not sure if this has helped you, but it does sound like you have a good man. I'm all for love and marriage! I hear they go together like a horse and carriage! :) (Sorry, I'm very tired right now....)

Dare I say it, too... Congratulations! :)

[traceann]

Ok, Stacey, now I have that song stuck in my head....lol

Hugs,
Tracey :)

[Babs RN]

I assume your future hubby is in the military if he is coming home from Iraq. I was diagnosed with IC after we had been married 6 years but we had dealt with infertility and endo before that. I worked up until last May...and he is a great guy most of the time about this. I am very head strong and stoic which is helpful being married to a man who has been sick 3 times in his life. The IC and the fact that it is something we will live with is a work in progress and is taking alot of give and take on both sides. But hey, that's what marriage is all about.

Hugs,
Barb

[navemj]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I really needed some encouraging words from other ICers. It is hard to talk to other married people when they have no idea what you are going through. After reading all the threads I looked back at last year when my boyfriend was home. When we first started dating I had an endoscopy, laparoscopy, and cystoscopy which showed something was wrong. He never left me. Even when I was burning so bad in my vagina that I couldn't sit he was still there by my side. I know that if I don't marry him I will regret it for the rest of my life. When he comes home I am going to tell him all my fears just like one of you suggested. I always let him know that I cherish and love him very much. In a way the IC has made me not take his love or anything else for granted. I just prayed and asked God that if it was his will and he asked me that I would say yes. He knows all my problems so I cannot choose who he is to marry. He has to choose that himself. Walking down the isle will be the biggest leap of faith I ever take! Again, thanks so much for the encouragement. Pray that he comes home safe. The hard thing is he will be leaving again in two weeks!

Maryann

[Ginny]

Read the post under Share Your Story. It is IC Husband.

Ginny

[Sherry5]

Stacey had some great advice. Especially the part about you being supportive of him as well. Sometimes this disease can be so all encompassing that we forget that our spouses have concerns too. I had been married for 9 yearswhen we found out I had IC and he has been very supportive. He had a little practice with a couple of horrible pregnancies before this, and he does great. I would do well to remember to be supportive of him too.

It sounds like this guy is the one, but make sure you both know as much as possible before the wedding. I think it was Benjamin Franklin who said, "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut after" :) Make sure he knows what living with IC entails, and make sure you know what it will be like to deal with this disease, and possibly kids, by yourself while he is out of the country.

Good Luck!

[Sherry5]

Hey Ginny,

I'm pregnant with my 4th child right now and we are planning on naming her Virginia after my Grandmother and calling her Ginny :) Is your first name Virginia?