I'm lost

[dragonfly7412]

Hello to everyone
Today I am crashing. Along with IC I have been carrying the burden of a secret for 5 years and today the weight was been to much for me to handle. I was going to come on here and just write it, even though this is anonymous, just to get it off my chest, but I can't even bring myself to do it.
I haven't hurt anyone but it is the sort of thing I think about every minute without actually thinking about it. It is the kind of thing where you just kind of pretend around it and then you realize all these years have gone by where you haven't even begun to deal with it and your life has been on pause.
I have messed the outcome of my life up, every day I wonder where this is going, how it will end (not my life, the situation) and all the while I am wondering, nothing is happening.
My doctor told me the stress from this makes my IC about 1000000 times worse, I am just in way too deep to do anything. I don't even want to see a therapist and maybe the truth is then I would be forced to do something about it.
I have not harmed anyone nor has anyone harmed me, this was my own doing and I am at the time in my life when everyone is asking what I am doing and what are my plans and the friggin truth is I don't know and they don't know the truth or they would not be asking me!
I wish I could tell someone, I feel like I am self destructing. I can't even write much more, because as I am writing I can feel reality knocking and I don't want to face it just now.
I am not terribly depressed by the situation (at least, I don't think I am, I really don't know I rarely let myself think about it in depth) I just wish in my heart I'd had the courage to just write the truth. This is entirely the wrong place for this and i'm sorry, I just have no-one else. Even writing this has been hard. Sorry this has come out here, it really has little to do with IC, I just feel lost.
Caroline

[Thoney]

Caroline,

I'm so sorry you are suffering like you are. When you are ready, me and everyone else will be there for you. But, remember the sooner you release yourself from what is torturing you, the sooner you can begin to heal. Sending prayers your way. Big Hugs!

[massagedoula]

Its true. If you can bring yourself to write it down, at first it will feel shocking but then you will feel like a weight has been lifted off your chest. Even if you dont want to write it on here, just write it on a piece of paper and burn it.

[dyno]

I really think if you could find a counsler to help you through this, that would be the best thing. Whatever this is, it obviously is important to you or you wouldn't be reacting the way you are. You need a professional for this. There is no shame in seeking out help. The sooner you get help the sooner you can get past this and have some direction in your life. Good luck, I wish there was more I could do.

[mayray518]

I cant tell you the thoughts that went through my head when my IC was chronic. I think that is normal when you are chronically ill. I dont know how any of us make it through. Even though my IC is in remission I still think it is wise to talk to a psychologist; I will never get over the way I was treated when the disease for came about (how no one believed me, how the doctors treated me). Being pain free is a big step in getting your mind working right again. I hope you can find something to ease the pain. Am praying for you.

[ICNDonna]

I agree with Jolene. You really need professional help to get you past this.

Sending encouraging hugs,
Donna

[vm]

Please find someone - someone who is compassionate, non-judgemental, and safe to talk to about this. Secrets make us so sick. :( There are people out there we can talk to about our deepest darkest secrets - we just have to trust our gut to lead us to someone who will not judge.

If you ever want to talk my e-mail is below. :kissing: