His pleasure, her pain

[borgerboy]

I have recently become intimate with a woman who has IC. After talking with her I have discovered that sex can be (most of the time really) painful for her. My question to men, who date/married to women with IC, is how you deal with this. For me, it is a question of causing someone I care about pain. Ladies, is this pain worth the physical intimacy? For the men, if she says it’s ok, the pain isn’t that bad; do you have any issues with still following through?
I understand there is intimacy beyond sex, but at the same time sexual relations is something that must be discussed and dealt with. Any thoughts and comments are welcome.

[ICNDonna]

Developing a mutually satisfying sexual relationship when one of the partners has IC is a challenge, but possible. It takes experimenting with positions, open communication, and (very important) lots of lubricant. During an IC flare, intercourse is painful, but at other times can be fine.

Don't give up.

Donna

[Julie B]

She is a lucky lady to have you care so much.......that itself means so much to her, I am sure..........

There are some articles in the Patient Handbook here on the site: Handbook (http://www.ic-network.com/handbook/)

Look down the page to the right and you will see a column of articles about sex and relationships. Also, many of the books on IC have sections about intimacy...... Here is a list of books, the Patient to Patient Handbook by the Sandlers is very good........ IC Books (http://icnshop.com/cgi-bin/ustorekeeper.pl?command=goto&file=Books-ICandOAB.html&rtn=jb)

Also, I finally convinced my husband that a backrub afterwards makes a huge difference.

Good luck..........you are a great guy to look out for her............

Julie B

[sweetpea2555]

Hi I agree she is lucky to have someone who cares about her pain. My husband often says no to sex when I say yes because he doesn't want to hurt me. I say talk to her and tell her to be honest about her pain. You can find things that work for you and when she says she is having a low pain day and wants to go for it-go for it-but keep the communication going. That is the key.
I think Julie has a good idea about reading about it. There is alot of good information out there that can help the two of you have a better intimate relationship.
Don't give up!

[rhea]

Wow-it is wonderful that you are willing to come on and be so open and ask questions!! I hope you 2 work out. I was already diagnosed when my husband and I started dating. We have learned over the last 11 years that there are many ways to have "sex". The first thing you can do is try different positions. There might be one that doesn't cause pain. The other is she can take a nice warm bath before intercourse and then one right after intercourse. It helps. The most important thing is to talk about it. Good luck to you two and I think it wonderful you are looking out for her best interest, that makes all the difference in the world.

[traceann]

Everyone has given you great advice, I have to agree with all of them! For me, it was just being honest, if it hurt, then we tried an alternative way to be intimate, minus the offending activity. But it's not always uncomfortable, and my sweetie has learned that when I say it's ok, I mean it's ok! LOL, he knows that I will be honest, and that helps him to relax and not constantly have the worry in his mind that he is hurting me, and he can than focus on pleasing me! ;) But definitely COMMNICATION is the key!!! At first I was afraid of telling him it was uncomfortable, but that was just silly, after all he loves me and deserves to know. It wasn't easy to come clean, but the more we talked openly about it, the easier it became to get past the shyness, it always amazes me, you can be sooo very personal and intimate with a person, physically, but yet too shy to talk about it. Crazy!! LOL :loco:

She's lucky to have you!
Hugs,
Tracey :)

[trytosmile]

You are such a caring person. I cried when I read this. There are so many IC sufferers who don't have a supportive partner. Wonderful to see you care so much,

My boyfriend struggles sometimes. He is so afraid that he is going to hurt me. In fact I think what he says is "Peanut, but I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to have you in anymore pain than you already are. When you hurt I hurt". Makes me cry inside. We talk about it all the time and keep the lines of communication open.

You've been given some great advice. The handbook is a great resource.

Man, I'm just so impressed in what you have done by asking this question and you are not the IC'er ! :angel:

[liznazz]

I would like to commend you for being so very thoughtful and considerate. I am one of those IC people that cannot have "traditional" sex ( no matter what position) because I can't deal with the pain. I know there are other ways to be intimate, but my husband couldn;t deal with the whole IC issue and has left me for another woman. It was a difficult blow after 22 years of marriage--but obviously, the emphasis on sex in a relationship was too important to him and outweighed the other factors in our marriage. I hope you and your lady friend work out these issues in a mutually satisfactory way. liz