Sex and Pain

[sandles]

I have a question about sex. I was wondering about being in remission and sex. My symptoms have improved dramatically, but I'm afraid to have sex again. Are there any tricks to not flaring after sex. I sometimes feel like I have to urinate even before the actual sex happens, I guess when I get turned on, I feel like I have to pee. I feel like I need an intermisson between the foreplay and the sex????????

Any suggestions........

[Inderieden]

here are a few tips i use. however, i'm fortunate to have very mild IC (i.e. no pain and minimal frequency). i control any symptoms via diet, supplements and preventative steps. i hope some of these work for you

1. go ahead and pee before and after sex. it's healthy and prevents bladder infections.

2. use a good lubricant. there are many natural ones on the market that do cause flares, and make sex much, much more fun. most of my problems have always been caused by too much friction, so this is a good preventative.

3. after sex, i always use a baby wipe from "seventh generation." they don't have any chlorine or additives, and are very soothing.

4. use a heat pad on the belly, or a nice cool face cloth on the groin.

5. take a mild anti-inflammatory such as ibuprofen, or one your doctor has prescribed for you.

6. most importantly, stay relaxed and have fun.

take care!

[traceann]

I agree! All those tips are great! :) It was very scary for me to ease back into sex! In the beginning, before diagnosis, when I only had urethral troubles, sex never bothered me. Then I had the first big flare, the one that prompted diagnosis, and I couldn't ever imagine having sex again, lol. I was afraid that NOW I would have pain. But, as luck would have it, I have no troubles at all. Food will bother me, but sex, nope. Crazy, huh? The thing that helped me the most, was above all being relaxed! And taking everything very slow, lots of gentle foreplay etc. And taking baby steps, I didn't just jump into wham-bam-thank-you-mam kinda sex, lmao! Every encounter, we took it a little further, testing the waters. Happy to report, all is pretty much back to the way it used to be, thanks to lots of lubrication (we like astroglide) and definitely peeing before and after sex. And it was comforting to know that penetration wasn't expected, at all, so I wasn't concerned with "performance". It was left up to me to decide when it would be taken that route, and that was a great feeling, I didn't have to worry about "disappointing" him.

I know what you mean about the "urge" feeling sometimes in what seems like the middle of activity, as crazy as it sounds, I have actually taken a pee break! I don't care, and he doesn't mind, and it makes me feel better! I did it just last weekend, we started getting all frisky, lol, and I announced I was taking a potty break and would be right back, lol. And he understands, since I keep him up to date at all times on my status. So take care of yourself, and relax!!! Even if it's not possible now, as we went at least 6-7 weeks with no penetration type sex at all, it has become possible as I have gained more control over my bladder, it just maybe in the near future, so don't give up!! ;)

Hugs,
Tracey :)

[hazellin31]

I get that same feeling - when I'm turned on, it feels like I have to pee. I usually take a Uristat (over the counter Pyridium) an hour prior to sex, that usually helps take the edge off. Also, lots of lube!

Hope that helps.

[ariahn]

I am having this same problem when it comes to having sex with my husband. It has been so many times when he may want to switch up postions and as soon as he penetrates me, I am SCREAMING! Fortunately for me, missionary works great but when it comes to other positons, I have no such luck. Now just last week, I thought I'd try to add some spice into the bedroom and I bought a few sex toys(snickers), well, the dildo that I have, no matter what postion I'm in when its inserted, doesn't hurt...AND it's quite long!(Hope I'm not being graphic, lol)...I just really need to know, if anyone has pain with sex toys as they do with...the real thing?

I just don't understand why when he penetrates me, it hurts, but when the dildo is inserted, I feel no pain at all????
Please help!

[traceann]

That's a good question, I haven't had any troubles with "toys" ;), either. But sometimes I have that "uh oh need to pee feeling" with the real thing, and I think sometimes it's just plain old gravity, he's 6'4" and 190 lbs! :) His body weight, even though he's not giving me the full brunt of it, makes a difference in the pelvic region, I mean his pelvis putting pressure on my bladder area! I used to love that he liked to switch things up quite often in "one sitting", this way then that ;), but now -- I have to be careful, sometimes you never know what's going to work from one day to the next, lol. Case in point this last weekend, I had to put the breaks on and say, "nope, this way is definitely not working for me!!" LMAO!!!!! Ah, it's always an adventure.....

Hugs,
Tracey :)

[sweetpea2555]

:) All the tips are great! I have a few more ideas to add.
Take the fingers from a rubber glove and fill them with water and freeze them. After sex, insert them into your vagina briefly to help reduce irritation. Also, drink lots of water before and after sex. If you flare from latex, make little ice inserts out of something else, be creative. If ice irritates you, try a warm wash cloth or a sitz bath.
I haven't tried my toys because I thought they would hurt too. Maybe it's the size of the toy that helps. Maybe it doesn't hit the bladder as hard. :hmm: That's interesting have to try that out. What do you guys think?
Oh-I get that urge alot and I haven't peed yet. I sometimes stop and run to the bathroom. It spoils the moment but we get a little laugh out of it.
Hope this helps you!

[traceann]

I also think there's a different "angle" element to the use of toys vs., um the 'real thing',lol, not sure what it is, but it must be just different enough, to be ok. Because sometimes I have noticed that the toy is more comfortable sometimes than the 'real' thing, yeesh, go figure...like I said before, always and adventure!! Ooh yeah, my potty breaks kinda ruin the moment too, but hell, he's a guy and manages to "recover from the interruption" rather quickly -- he don't care he's getting sex! LMAO!!!! ;)

Hugs,
Tracey :)

[bunnykinb]

I have been married for 14 years and have always had a good sex life until this nasty IC took over a year ago. Since last year, my sex drive has gone down. I really don't feel like having sex anymore. We have tried extra lubricants but I still get extremely tenses up. Even though I have seen the urologist for a year, I cannot seem to go pain free for even a week, I either have pelvic pain or urethral pain, burning.

I fear my marriage will get to the breaking point if this keeps up.

I seek your support.

bunnykinb

[sweetpea2555]

bunnykinb- :grouphug: So many of us struggle with pain and sex. I know many understand your fears. Be honest with your husband and talk about it. Just don't give up. Although many of us (including myself) still struggle with painful sex(which lots of times leads to lack of), there are many who have got their sex lives back. It takes a long time for treatments to work, at least for many, and it is hard at times. Keep talking to your doctor and get the right treatment for you. Look at the handbook if you haven't already and try the tips. Hang in there, and you know, some couples even grow closer struggling with this. Don't give up, It will get better. I say keep talking to your doctor and your husband and you will figure something that works for you.

[traceann]

Boy, I sure agree, nothing will kill a sex drive faster than constant pain! I agree with sweetpea2555, keep the lines of communicaion open! I have been able to get my sex life back, almost to where it was before the IC decided to run the show. It's not totally there, as there are a few more considerations to work with, but open communication has really saved my butt.

Make sure hubby knows without a doubt it's not that you are not attracted to him anymore, or love him less or that you are "rejecting" him. Make sure he knows it's not any of those things, that it's how you feel physically -- not your mind, that is messing with your sex drive! Find other ways to be intimate, like I've said before, if it means just focusing on him, and him maybe just touching you caressingly (back, shoulders arms etc), it can keep you close and intimate, and you can show your love for him. Just because the body can't perform sometimes, that doesn't mean my mind will accept it, so I take the time to "pamper" him, and it doesn't hurt me, yet we still feel close and connected. And, besides that, I think he really likes being the center of attention, lol, every once in a while!!! It can be quite sexy and relaxing for you, you don't feel the pressure to "perform" and yet, you are the "goddess" making him crazy...LOL!!!

Hugs!
Tracey ;)

[bunnykinb]

Thank you for your comments. I husband is caring, but it doesn't seem he understands fully what I am feeling. When I am feeling crappy, I still cook dinner, care for the kids, and do housework. So, he thinks at time, if I have energy for those things, why not sex. But, it is different.

I have told the urologist that I am afraid to have sex because of the pain. Or, I have so much pain that it is difficult to have it. I am currently requesting a second opinion urologist since I see no improvement over the last year I have been seeing the current urologist.

bunnykinb

[angelmom34]

I haven't had any problems with "toys" :bunny: either.....But I am concerned about my hubby. He seems to be getting "down" :confused: with the sex issue. I try....but since my last flare up(just getting over) I am hesitant to have sex.....will it hurt, burn...all that stuff. And it seems my sexual desire has decreased also...not because of him either....It is all me...any suggestions :help:

[traceann]

Hey Kimberly, all I can say is what I said before, just make sure he knows without a doubt it not in any way anything to do with him, you love him as much now as ever. It's not that you aren't attracted to him, etc. And like I did, if I wasn't up to activity directly involving me, lol, I would pay attention to him. Just because I wasn't physically up to it, didn't mean my mind wasn't wanting some closeness and intimacy, lol! ;)

Hugs,
Tracey :)

[bunnykinb]

I'm trying to have more massages for both of us to each the IC tension. Sometimes the massages are so relaxing that one of falls asleep.

bunnykinb

[stacey79]

We have also found that massage is good in relaxing me. My husband started this on his own without us even talking about it. It's been good at getting me relaxed for my bladder, but also from the stress of the day or whatever.

[Julieee]

bunnykinb,

I feel the exact way you do. I am so worried that my present relationship is going to fall apart. My boyfriend is VERY supportive and encouraging, and we have great communication about everything that's going on... It's just I don't feel right asking him to not have sex the usual way. I don't think it's really fair to him. I'm in the process now of visiting the pain center in my city to get some help with my stinging and burning after sex. Good luck.... We are all in this together.... Thank God for this website!

[mayray518]

I feel for all of you. I got dumped by my boyfriend when I got IC and, frankly, it was a blessing. The last thing I felt like doing was having sex. But I understand those of you married or in relationships that that is a problem you have to face. I have been feeling great for 5 years and am now in a relationship with pain free sex.

[Alternagirl]

I had a very strange experience with my sexual life. I was in one bad relationship and our sex life had gone from terribly painful and emotional to none at all. At about the same time that I ended this relationship I also took a homeopathic that I was prescribed by my naturopathic doctor. A few months later I started seeing someone new (my current partner) and for the first time EVER I had zero pain (only nervousness of course).

I still don't know what really caused the change: was it the homeopathic? or was it going from being in an emotionally abusive and sexually demanding relationship to being in a very open, loving and nonpressured relationship? Or both? Treating the symptoms is oh so important, but what also is important is making sure your partner does not, under any circumstance expect anything from you! It took me a long time to realize that I could not function emotionally or sexually in a pressured environment, no matter how small the pressure. I just want to pass that on...

other things that have helped me:

going sloooowwww. The more I can relax and get used to his penis, the better.

doggy style;)- it seems to be the only position that works for me. i lie flat so i am not really stressing any abdominal muscles.

good luck gals!

[green_the_fish]

It scares me a little to read posts like this :(
I don't plan to be a sexual relationship for a while (16!), but when I do, I want it to be a fully healthy relationship.
I hope all of you can figure this out and pave the way for me...

[massagedoula]

Not to sound graphic, but there are other ways to have a sexual relationship with a minimal amount of penetration. On days that you feel you can handle it, you will be able to have sex the conventional way, but on other days that you feel too sensitive, there are other things to do. The most important part is finding a respectful and understanding partner...sometimes with teenage relationships (It wasn't that long ago for me) even healthy women can feel like they are not doing "enough" for their partner. if you make your condition clear from the beginning, you will be able to know, hopefully, if the person will be understanding! I know it is easier for me to type this than you going and being in this situation...but have hope!

[Alternagirl]

It wasn't that long ago for me either and I remember how scared I was then and still am sometimes! I agree that if you are open and honest you will find out much quicker whether your partner is understanding. If you can, don't hide your IC or anything else about your emotional/sexual needs. There may be heartache, but at least you will know where you stand. That's priceless! :woohoo:

[jeanababy]

My IC came on 2 months after my hysterectomy (it was always there--I just didn't have severe symptoms until after the hysterectomy). I was just getting used to sex again when the IC started. My husband and I didn't have ANY type of sex for 11 months. I didn't have any sexual feelings at all. It was the last thing on my mind. I know it sounds strange but it seemed to bring us closer together because I believe I showed him a vulnerable side of me that he had never really seen before. I needed his support and help. Sex is fine now if not better. Speaking of sex toys, I went to my first "home party" a few weeks ago. It was fun and I bought a few "items". Hubby seems a little reluctant to incorporate them into our activities though.

[melanie626]

Whew- I am scared to have sex again. I have pelvic cramping, usually post intercourse and then I have to stop my boyfriend from making sure I am satisfied (he has to rub my tummy and it makes the cramps go away) and he is getting bummed by this....these posts make me feel like I can relax, see what happens and hang in there...thanks ladies. I hope we all have good sex...

[babygirl694]

I just had sex and i am in sooo much pain. :(. Sometimes i wish that i could just die it hurts so bad. :((.. but i know i can work through this. I'm not gonna let it destroy my life or my marriage. :((.. I have tried everything. It just hurts soooo bad. :((

[Allyson K-A]

Interesting, what you all write - thanks for being so honest and forthcoming. It's always good to have other perspectives, when it comes to IC and intimacey.

For me, the chronic pain is a real killer. Overall, I make an effort to let my husband know that when I am "emotionally in the mood", the pain is basically too great to overcome - and that I miss him, in that way. Also, having had a total hysto. for Endo (13 y.ago), I find that the actual physical urges barely exists, if at all. So between the two... Thankfully, he does not expect what I cannot give him; however I do miss that level of intimacey we once had, and I'm sure he must, too. We do manage to cuddle for the most part, but beyond that, for the past couple of yrs...

My bladder has shrunk so much since my dx in 1998, that I'm usually quite fatigued - ie, I go into spasms, before my pre-dawn voids and ache for hours both before and afterwards (pain dreams are common); needless to say, this is exhausting. (If I don't "finish" eating/drinking by 5:30pm, the problem intensifies/multiplies bladder pressure, at night.)

In terms of taking a step in the right direction, I'm currently considering Hydrodistention for treatment (just saw my Uro sev. days ago for an annual visit).

Is anyone else out there, experiencing the same type of problem?
Is it possible for several hydro procedures to "significantly" stretch the bladder?

Has anyone had tearing with the procedure? My Uro says that she's only had 1 in 1000 pts. suffer this complication (as did her Assoc.), and that it took 2 weeks to heal. The potential for improvement, it seems, is starting to outweigh the risks...

Also discussed <w/my MD> the value of contacting a Pain Mgmt. Specialist (Psychiatrist), for the first time. Perhaps I would not need to go this route, if the Hydro worked...

Would love to hear from anyone going through a similar situation!
*(Note: I currently take Elmiron and Cysto-Protek, so the frequency and burning are basically not playing a big part in this.)

[schomerrm]

Is the type of pain that is experienced a burning pain upon penatration? That is my experience. Ive never had it this badly. Right now I am blaming the hydro procedure I had 4 months ago.

[ICLori]

These are all such wonderful suggestions, this is a terrific thread! So many of us struggle with flaring after intercourse.

I find that I tend to get "subclinical" UTI's all the time even when I do everything just right. Not enough bacteria for the doctor to give me antibiotics, but enough bacteria to make me miserable and give me a fever.

So I am looking now into ways of helping to prevent UTI's. Cranberry juice is often recommended for this, as it has a sugar in it that helps bind to e coli and carry it safely out of the bladder so it doesn't bind to the bladder instead and cause problems, but many IC'ers can not tolerate cranberry juice. I have read that blueberries and blueberry juice have the same effect. So I will probably be looking into eating/drinking that every day. For now I am taking the "active ingredient" in cranberry juice, the sugar stuff that binds the e coli, so that I can help myself (I hope) prevent those stupid UTI's. That's my worst problem after intercourse - not pain during the act anymore, not even really flaring afterwards, but just those bacteria setting up house in my bladder no matter how careful I am to be clean and urinate afterwards and all.

Blessings, Lori

[babygirl694]

okay... i CAN NOT drink cranberry juice.. it makes it 1,000,000 times worse.
The pain experienced is a burning, throbbing pain when it enters.. and then aftewards when i pee it is completely unbarable.. the pain just hurts so bad when i pee. It burns and feels like there should be 1,000 needles shoved up inside of me.. yeah doesnt feel too good.

[Trying2Cope]

These are all such wonderful suggestions, this is a terrific thread! So many of us struggle with flaring after intercourse.

I find that I tend to get "subclinical" UTI's all the time even when I do everything just right. Not enough bacteria for the doctor to give me antibiotics, but enough bacteria to make me miserable and give me a fever.

So I am looking now into ways of helping to prevent UTI's. Cranberry juice is often recommended for this, as it has a sugar in it that helps bind to e coli and carry it safely out of the bladder so it doesn't bind to the bladder instead and cause problems, but many IC'ers can not tolerate cranberry juice. I have read that blueberries and blueberry juice have the same effect. So I will probably be looking into eating/drinking that every day. For now I am taking the "active ingredient" in cranberry juice, the sugar stuff that binds the e coli, so that I can help myself (I hope) prevent those stupid UTI's. That's my worst problem after intercourse - not pain during the act anymore, not even really flaring afterwards, but just those bacteria setting up house in my bladder no matter how careful I am to be clean and urinate afterwards and all.

Blessings, Lori

I am the one with IC, but my wife gets frequent UTIs. Her doctor has given her an antibiotic to take every time we have sex. She takes it immediately afterward as a preventative. I told her maybe she's just allergic to me! :biglaugh:

[babygirl694]

thats funny.. sad for you but funny

[mom_in_ma]

Actually, my doctor perscribed a single antibiotic after sex for me too and it's been the best thing in the world for getting back to a normal sex life. Not only do I not longer get UTIs (knock on wood), but I no longer FEAR getting a UTI. The fear used to be a big libido killer for me!

Other suggestions...use lots of lubrication and take a xanax to relax your bladder muscles. The xanax reduces bladder spasms for me. I no longer need to use it much...but it's a godsend when my bladder acts up a bit.