Confused, overwhelmed, discombobulated

[MakinIT]

Hi all

Well...after 34 sessions with my shrink, I finally cried. Full fledged bawling...And I dunno what exactly set the whole thing off. But, I think, he was happy to finally get to me. I'm not even really sure what did it. He has been sitting closer to me during sessions, I think, to catch my body language. I'm pretty tough and don't whine to anyone (except you guys...and here is my release) So we were discussing doing something worthwhile with my life. I am feeling like a hamster spinning on a wheel, doing nothing.....I really want to get back to work some day....I prob sound like a broken record to the shrink...so he finally said "how are we going to do that..?...You are correct, you are very unable to sit and be in one place very long and it's taking a toll on your mental health...I'm watchlng it deteriorate as we visit each week" Well, I guess a very fleeting sad look crossed my face (lower lip stuck out, eys watered....but I gained my composure) He said "what were you thinking there, you looked very sad for a moment." I just shrugged, shook my head...looked at the floor...(like, that's gonna get a Phd trained psychologist off your ass) He has, in the past, let moments pass. I think because he figures I'll come around. But now, Well.....it's the DIRECT route. He wouldn't leave me alone...so it finally all came out in one big tearful Blech, I don't even know what I said, except that my life has sucked from the start of early adulthood to now (40) I had a psychologically approved and encouraged pity party. So, my homework is to find somewhere that will take me for 4 hours or so a week as a "volunteer" with the condition that I'm not just stuffing envelopes or doing something dumb. He's gonna look from his end, he was thinking of some stuff from hospital end...especially that may turn into a job...So...I finally get around to telling hubby about that today and he has been quiet..giving me the silent treatment, with the only comment that any kind of work, volunteer or paid could be harmful to me.

guess it's my life, I need to at least try to venture out.

Tracey

[trytosmile]

It's ok to cry Tracey, I have pity parties everyday. Heck last Thursday I went for a long walk at my parents in the country and I swear if anybody saw me they would of have me committed instantly. Cursing, crying, laughing, kicking stones, couple of pits stops behind a tree. I gave the definitation of "a lady" a whole new meaning !!

Like you I walk the path around the house back and forth all day long. I am on permanent disability and at this point no hope of getting back into the work force, which sucks, I'm only 39. Ok, what am I going to do to put in my time my life. Big task ! I've been off for 2 1/2 yrs now and I'm still struggling. I was very active and the IC just doesn't allow it anymore. Life has taken a slower pace. I was always on the go, doing this doing that. Played sports of all kinds, you name it I did it. Now ..... :headbang: . I drive my boyfriend nuts ! :help:

We are moving in a couple of months to a 50 acre horse farm (back home for me) so I will have my gardens that I can putts around at again, at my own pace that will help. And James is fixing a spot in our basement so I can get back into my stainglass. Still not the life I once lived but that all being said, I keep reminding myself, I'm alive and able to do things, maybe not the things I onced loved but different things.

[ICNJess]

Tracey,

It sounds like you are on the verge of a big breakthrough. Sounds like that is what your shrink was hoping for. You'll probably even begin feeling better. It is so hard to be stuck home everyday, unable to do much of anythng because of IC. It is so darn depressing. And it's even harder to admit that, or hear someone else acknowledge it, because it just seems even more true.

I've taken up gentle stretching, reading, and when I feel well enough, my treadmill. I also do a home school course, and that keeps my mind reeling and over-active LOL. It's not much compared to what my college senior friends are doing, but it's the best I can do.

Hugs, and I hope you are feeling somewhat better,
Jess

[MakinIT]

Wow try to smile,,, your life is so similar to mine. I too am 39, almost 40 and am on the way to beimg 3 years with this damn disease. I don't want to say I am permanantly disabled even though 3 of my docs say so and my psych is trying to help me show me I can or can't do it. I guess he figures it will give me peace one way or the other.

I'll talk later..gotta hit the short bus to the doctors office..see you all soon.. And thanks, Jess, you are prob are right. It's not fun, though,

byel

Tracey

[trytosmile]

Tracey

I was diagnosed with IC in 1999. I had just started a new job in a new town (same company) following a long dragged out separation with my now "X". Four months after moving the symptons started. I was two years before they actually diagnosed me with IC. Struggled with work and IC for sometime. I was in a high demanding management position with a major financial institution. It began to wear me down. My doctors wanted me off alot earlier than I did but at the time we where merging with another major bank and I was part of the intergration team. Me being me, my work was more important. Wrong decision. For another 12-18 months I struggled. Things began to settle down so I finally too the time my doctors wanted me too. After 4 months of being off the disability adjustor, made me go back to work. I wasn't ready but had no choice. Get this....two weeks later I was given a job redundancy notice after 23 years service. Now it all made sense. Gets better. That same day they replaced me, now does redundant not mean..finished, no longer, bye bye ? As part of the package they gave me four months of paid time to find a job. Well 3 months into it my IC took an extreme turn for the worse and I ented up in the hospital having emergency surgury. Because I was still technically an employee of the company that put me back on disability. At the two year part it was re-evalutated and deemed that I could not only return to my job but to any job. Her I sit. I'm bored out my tree but I know that physically, mentally and emotionally I just couldn't do it. Did I mention that I also found out that the "redundancy" was actually because of my absentism yet they "wrote" differently to save their butts. I did seek legal council but decided not worth my energy. I wasn't going back and in the end better for me. I was not happy with what direction the company was going so, ta ta. Now if disability does say I have to go back for whatever reason, I will get the package, that I was smart to get in writing. Needless to say it was an extremely difficult time. Dealing with a new job, new city, new friends it was overwhelming and then deal with an illness they didn't know was what for a couple year, when they said the words "IC" I kissed them. Atleast I knew what it was. And that is that.

Wanna chat and compare lives...feel free to email ! Mine, heck I could put Opra and Dr. Phil in there places.

[poetgirl]

Hi Tracey,

I think we've all been where you are at some point. It's good to know you are seeing a shrink, so that you are not trying to deal with your depression and anxiety alone.

In the past two years, I've been diagnosed with IC/VV, went through a divorce and now in another relationship whose future looks uncertain, survived several major upheavals with jobs, and have been trying to get out from under financial disaster (thanks to the divorce.) I've been seeing a therapist for over a year and he is a huge help. My IC/VV symptoms are mostly under control and most days I feel pretty good so far as that goes, but I can't seem to shake the depression/anxiety. And I can't take SSRIs because they react really badly with Elavil (and I really need the Elavil!) I've actually made some good strides in trying to rebuild my life, but frankly I'm just worn out. So I understand the "pity party." At some point it would be nice to be able to sail through life just a little, instead of having to work so hard for the slightest gain. Of course I fear my symptoms returning in some big horrible way. And I fear never having a stable, fulfilling relationship (I'd really like to have kids some day...) Some of these things seem to be totally out of my control, and therapy helps me deal with it but some days, it's still hard to get out of bed and face the world. How I did it at all when I was in near-constant pain/discomfort and going through a divorce, I'll never know.

Anyway, I'm not sure if that helped or not (perhaps the pity party is turning into a real "fest" now!) but I do understand how you feel. And I can understand wanting to work and to feel productive, to whatever degree you're capable of right now.

Take care!

[July]

Prayers and God's blessings and peace and joy to you.

[MakinIT]

You're notes lift me...especially after my visit to the doc today. It was my monthly Morphine visit and chat as to how things are going. He did a lower quadrant exam (left siide, which is ugly in pain) any way he is having me do Cat Scan this week because I hurt so bad and under the assumuption I have diviverticulis. Great. Truly sucks.

Any way.

Thanks for the kind thoughts and wonderful words.

Tracey

[Julie B]

Hi Tracey, I feel like a little late coming into this conversation (but that hasn't stopped me before)

Like everyone else, I have fought this "work" idea from the beginning. It doesn't help that my husband still doesn't get that I can't sit or stand or do anything for any length of time.

But can I tell you something? I am doing lots of little things.......and more of it each day. I just allowed myself to experiment.....just that lifted my spirits.........and the one good thing about being over 40 is that at some point you realize you have to live YOUR life, and not the life that your spouse, or your parents, or your best friend says you should. You CLAIM whatever you have and want to make the best of it..........

Hang in there.........you just crossed over.................HUGSSSssssssssssss Julie

[MakinIT]

Thanks Julie...I always appreciate the uplifting words...I just had my CT scan today for diverticulitis. Nasty, nasty,nasty....Yuck! That stuff you have to drink over the course of 3 hours (hmm...20 oz of gooo at 7:20 am, and 20 more oz at 9:20 am...I reallllllly hate anything to do with texture in my liquids...icky....can't even handle pulp in orange Juice, .....mmmm how long has THAT been?) So after gaggiing that down and entertaining the waiting room crowd with my faces ( I was really trying to be a big girl but it soo grossed me out) they took me back. Whe the guy set me on the table to run the scan, he was very nice but didn't help at all and was a little rough with slamming the wedge into my fanny to keep my legs up. They put contrast in with an IV and took pictures and really took a bunch in one area. He told me to sit tight, which was fine because I had one of those nice warm hospital blankies with me. He called the radiologist in to look at the film. When he came in to get me, I said "so, I'll hear something toward the end of the week, right?" The tech looked a little uncomfortable and said "well, you may hear something today, or at the latest Monday, typist will work on weekend f needed". This time, he held my hands and supported my back to sit up and then got the step stool to step down, with his hand. He wanted to walk me back but I waved him off (like I'm not 80 years old :mad: ) The radioligist stepped out and smiled as I hobbled by, but I guess he was watching my gait. (The tech did ask if my back was injured and I said my pelvis was just damn sore I can't walk straight!!!!)
Hmm...I wonder what the heck is going on.

Saw my pysch yesterday (the 10th) and he was a little frustrated my GP put all the volunteer plans on hold. but understands. Feels like we are going no where. I decided to take a step back and maybe relook at my current career. Perhaps I have to get over the fact that I am still paying off my teaching license and look for something a little more relaxing. I have a knack for muscle systems in the bodies...(Took alot of anatomy in college) I give awesome massages and I know how to give different types of massage already. I want to look into this.....Course, gotta build up my muscles (again) :help: and investigate how to do this.

Anyway..thanks for listening...you are great...Tracey

[redmowii]

I read all of your story and I hope the best for you. Maybe you can find something you like to do at home. Like cross-stich or some thing else that may intrest you more. I know it's hard to sit for long, but maybe when you finished a project you would feel a sense of accomplishment. I really am sorry you are hurting so bad right now. My prayers go to you and your doctor's. I hope help is on the way.,
Redmowii

[MakinIT]

Thanks for the idea..its a good one...I do have problems with anything fine motor...I'm terrible..that's the issue. Especially medicated...I've been writing on the computer and it will just slide off in the middle of a sentence and I have thought I was quite awake. I hate just sewing my daughters brownie patches on her vest!!! But you are correct..I have to find something to do. I have, on warm days when I've been ok, puttered around my front garden. Small area, like half the size of of a baseball field. But its been worse lately cause my doc has scribed valium between morphine doses. Ugh. ouch. Anyway..have been prepping my garden for spring...my bulbs are starting to sprout, getting little roses, starting to see some little green leaves on my annuals. Wierd, cause it's normally so bloody cold here until mid march. (Where I catch my portland bus, little transit bus for those who can't stand around and wait for big buses or get lost easily due to meds) It is freeeeeezing...I have to take my polar blankie, wear my columbia sportswear coat, scarf, hat, gloves, ray bans....i look ready to ski. The driver to take me home (they all know me) just laughed...I told him to get his butt off the bus and get my bag and see how warm he was in his shorts... He agreed. (I have to take a vancouver paratransit bus to a Portland Transit Center..It is very cold there b/c it is at the end of the Columbia gorge..then a Portland para bus comes and gets me to take me to doc appts...all my docs are in portland because I know them, trust them, and they are excellent.)

Anyway...thank you for the great idea. I do try to keep busy. My hubbybrought me home a dozen gorgeous roses...I've never had that...very nice considering the intimate side has been rather slow lately. We're going to see a movie today, haven't done that in a long time either..we have to see a 2 oclock show or I fall asleep.

Here's to keeping busy!!!!!

Tracey!