I am wondering if this will ever get better?

[daisi24]

I am usually embarassed to talk about this stuff but I need some advice. Sex has always been extremely painful for me (I have IC, IBS, and endometriosis) and its not like anything hurts on the outside its more inside pain. I have bad pain in my side and lower back and then it hurts when I go to the bathroom afterwards. I feel really bad because this problem is one of the things that broke up my marriage. My ex actually said that he didnt want to be with someone that could not satisfy him and of course he went looking elsewhere. Well, I am actually with a really supportive guy now and he is so sweet and understanding I just wonder if there is anything I can do to make sex okay again. I feel like such a failure since things happened with my ex I dont want this to happen again! I dont have that vuvlodynia either so not sure whats wrong with me.

[redmowii]

I found myself in a situation sort of like that. I was recently diagnosed and struggling to find a way to deal with my own pain during intimate moments. I found my salvation. In The Interstitial Cyctitis Survival Guide by Rober M. Moldwin. There is a chapter about sex and how to make it work for you. He gives you steps to do, and his first suggestion is Talk about it with your partner. I did, and have found him understanding and willing to try diffrent things just to satisfy me. He also emphasized foreplay, and stated you don't actually need penetration. Sometimes modified forms of penetration can be used. Good luck. I hope the best for you.
Redmowii :)
PS: I know you can find this book on the internet. I found it at Borders.

[Babs RN]

Yes, sex does become an issue--but if your partner is willing to try different things, ways, positions--you can still have a mutually satisfying relationship. It feels like someone is driving a machete up me when my hubby and I do it(he's in Iraq so I'm on hiatus from having to worry) and I also hurt for hours afterward. I also have had endo, done the Lupron thing too. I was put on Lexapro for the depression related to the chronic pain and it has been a godsend. Works well with minimum of side effects.

Hugs,
Barb :welcome:

[ICNDonna]

The book is available in the ICN shop at http://www.ic-network.com/shop

It's inexpensive and well worth the money.

Donna

[fireflicker285]

I agree. I have learned with time, that sex is so much more than the standard man on top. There are many ways to have a fullfilling sex life. It takes patience, and creativity and an understanding partner or husband, but it is possible. Also some women get their IC under better control and don't find sex as painful as it used to be.

Be patient and good luck.

[traceann]

I agree with all the others too! :) My best advice is talk about it with your guy. That way it's all on the table, you aren't adding any extra anxiety to yourself by having to pretend "all is ok" and cause yourself unecessary pain. Plus on nights when the thought of me having sex was out of the question, I didn't leave him out of the loop, and would do things for him, obvioulsy if I couln't move without my heating pad, he was out of luck in all aspects! LOL! And if a person bails on you for something like, oh gee I don't know a chronic illness, lol, to heck with them! They'll get their's and you, as you have already proven, will find someone worthy of YOU! ;) Sorry, but that just irks me when I hear that sort of thing, I will get off my soapbox now, lol.

Seriously though, intercourse isn't the only form of caring loving rewarding sex. There are other ways and most are just as intimacy-promoting as intercourse!!! And as for intercourse, I have found side to side facing eachother to be very good for me, I don't feel any bladder pressure at all that way (funny, liked it before IC too! ;) )

Hugs,
Tracey :)

[desolationangel]

Like others have said, intercourse is far from the only option. I was very depressed at first when sex started to hurt (because in the past it didn't!) and went through a period of intense depression. Then I actually had a talk with my boyfriend about what we needed and wanted, and I learned that the last thing Matt wanted was to put me in pain, and that we could, in fact, show each other love and give each other pleasure in other ways. And I have to say that now, we're closer than ever because of what we deal with together.

Also I would recommend looking into Tantra. It's not all about penetrative sex. It's about loving your partner in whatever way is best for you, and there's as much emphasis on holding, breathing, and massage as there is on intercourse. And it's very good for relationships.

[hazellin31]

Hey---I read your post and I couldn't not write about this. I know exactly how you are feeling and exactly how frustrating it can be. I'm lucky to be with a very supportive guy, and he tells me that he doesn't need sex all the time and that he doesn't want me to be in pain. For a long time, we didn't have sex at all and didn't talk about it, and our relationship was seriously on the rocks.

At some point, I decided to tell him everything I could about IC and how I felt when we had sex and everything. I agree with everyone else so far, this has brought us soo much closer. I feel comfortable telling him I'm not feeling well on a certain day as well as even having to stop in the middle of sex if I can't tolerate it.

I know it's hard to believe when everyone says "there are other things besides sex" but it's so true. The one thing I did for our sex life is that I bought a vibrator. It's the BEST move I ever made. We used it together for the first time the other day, and he was sooo into it. He was happy just watching me do it, I couldn't believe it. I think being "intimate" is so much more important than having sex. I shut my guy out for a long time because I just thought it was sex or nothing. Now I know better. And I think letting your guy watch you with a vibrator is pretty damn intimate!! By the time I was done w/the vibrator we did have sex, but it was very quick. Yes it still hurt, but it didn't last long because he was so "into" it from watching me with the vibrator. He told me after that he didn't even really need to have sex (I was actually the one that said let's do it). I got this idea from another IC'er on this board --I don't want to mention a name because I don't know if that person would be comfortable - but if she's reading this, she knows who she is! I can't thank her enough for this.

I just wanted to pass this along. Hopefully it didn't offend anyone - but I had to share.

Lin

[traceann]

Oh heck no, no offense taken from my point of view anyway! I have had exactly the same experience you have had, with my guy. Some guys are really into it, and hey, if it makes us both happy and less pain/or no pain at all for me, I'm all for it! I still have a hard time getting the point through that longer on the "clock", isn't always better, lol!!!! (heh, even before the IC diagnosis!!! ;) )

Tracey :)

[daisi24]

Thanks all for the suggestions. I ordered that book and hope it comes soon! The good thing is that since my boyfriend is currently in another state (he is moving here in a few months) I will have time to read up more and make things better for both of us! I am just so glad I finally found someone that is supportive because having to have sex when you are in pain is a horrible experience and thats all I have ever known!

[bunnykinb]

I haven't had an orgasm for over a year now due to the lovely IC pain. My husband has been understanding, but I sometimes wonder. I have tried extra KY jelly. The sex has to be less intense and less frequent for me to tolerate it. But, I definitely need to see what others have done to help bring sex back into our lives.

bunnykinb

[traceann]

Yeah, it's a drag on one hand that my boyfriend lives 3 hours away and isn't "home" during the week, but it's good too, that way I am in decent shape (most times) when the weekend rolls around, and usually feeling pretty good! Then things have a chance to "rest" during the week again....lol ;)

Tracey:)