So miserable!!

[Flarin-up Vicky]

I'm in an unhappy relationship!! He is a really great guy, understanding, supportive,caring, and best of all patient!! But I'm not in love with him, I never have been the whole 3 years I've been with him!! You see, I was with him when my ic started, so he knows all about and has stuck with me throughout it. I feel if I leave him, I'm never going to find a guy as great as him, come on, he's like the needle in the hay stack type of guy!! I'm definately not ugly at all, I would have no trouble finding another boyfriend but I feel I wouldn't be able to keep one because of my condition. It's not all about the sex, but from what I see, it is with guys from this generation!! Sex is all they think about nowadays!! I don't know what to do, he's my only support right now, my only friend( I don't have friends,not real ones)!! Sometimes I think he stays with me out of pitty!! I feel soo bad sometimes because I feel like I'm using him!! I don't think anyone will ever want to stick around!! I hate myself!! :headbang:

[ICLori]

My opinion probably is not a popular one, but - I think being "in love" is highly overrated. It's just some hormones that are secreted by the body when you are first attracted to someone. After you've been with someone for a long time, those chemicals fade away, and it's not "exciting" anymore or like the love songs on the radio. It becomes a more gentle, less exciting, thing. It's about being good partners to each other, good companions, good friends, with some sex thrown in here and there, that one or the other of you might not be so thrilled about. That's reality.

The "in love" you are seeking only happens in the movies, in love songs, and in the first few dates with someone you are sexually attracted to. No one in long-term relationships stays "in love" but they DO love one another.

I wish that parents could teach children what love and marriage are about, instead of leaving it up to the TV and romance novels and love songs to teach the important stuff of life. Love and marriage are more about working together and being a good team than about feeling that rush of excitement or the thumping heart.

My opinion is, it's like that old Carly Simon song...the relationship you have right now is "the stuff that dreams are made of, right in your backyard..."

Blessings, Lori

[AAF]

I would consider staying with him if and only if he truly loves you and you think there is some spark of feelings you have for him that you might be able to cultivate. But please note, if he is staying with you only out of pity, I would break it off right away. Please also try to make good female friends. It's important. I'm struggling with that myself. I've had so many health problems, it's been hard to socialize. PM me if you would like. :)

[rhea]

Vicky-I think the biggest question you have to ask yourself is why are you miserable? Is it him? Is it dealing with the IC? Have you talked to him about this? Serious thought should go into ending any relationship, but ultimately I do believe with Lori about "love" even though I am a hopeless romantic, but I also believe if you don't have children with this person and you are not married then you should do what will make you feel better...good luck!

[dragonfly7412]

Hi.
I just wanted to give my 2 cents here. I do not agree that there is no 'in love' in a long term relationship, I have been with someone for 6 years and everyday I find myself getting excited to see him and talk to him and I know for a fact he feels the same way. I think I can say with certainty that we are 'in love'.
For this reason, in my opinion, if you are honest with yourself and the things you wrote are true, then you need to consider ending this relationship. (I am by no means a mental health professional, this is just my opinion!)
I think that all relationships (friend/family/partner) are a lesson and some sort of karma to be resolved. It's okay to move on from this, because this energy has been fulfilled and resolved, and it sounds like this relationship is just draining you. I have, in the past, clung to people thinking they were the only chance I had at love, soulmate, whatever, and once (even though I had only fear and sadness in my heart) I ended it, I felt scared at first, but better off eventually because I did meet new people!

I agree with aff, surround yourself with female friends (even if they are online, they still count!), women are incredibly powerful and have great intuition and compassion!
Even if you do end this relationship, who knows if it will be over for good. We never know what life has in store for us! (at least I don't). Whatever you do, try and always approach things without fear in your heart, whether you stay with him or not!
Good luck & take care.

[ICNDonna]

I also think there can be romance in a long term relationship. We will be celebrating 33 years of marriage in April and we are very much in love. I always get up earlier than my husband --- and when he comes down the stairs, his face literally lights up when he sees me. We take walks together, work together, and just plain like each other's company. And one of my favorite things is sleeping close to him.

That said, I think seeing a counselor is a good idea if you are having doubts. Don't ever stick in a relationship because you thing there's nothing better. My husband is also my best friend so there's something to be said about friendship.

It does sound like you need to sort out your feelings.

Warm hugs,
Donna

[traceann]

I gotta agree with Donna. I have been with my guy for a couple years, and yes even though we aren't married and have that sort of responsibility yet, I get all nervous and excited to see him every weekend, nothing has lessened since we first started dating. I got out of my marriage because, although my ex and I were good/best friends, that's exactly all we were, (we still are very good friends). There was no spark, I felt I deserved more out of life, someone that gave me butterflies when he kissed me. But that's just me, I couldn't imagine living the way I was, and that was way before diagnosis of IC. It was VERY hard and SCARY. I was 34. And contemplating divorce which cut my income into the household by 2/3! How was I going to manage, but I did and I am.And I felt it was hard to find a decent guy in my rural area, hell, if the guy has a JOB he's considered prime pickin's. LMAO! But as luck would have it, my sweetie had been right in front of my nose the WHOLE time, he's the brother of the guy dating one of my best friends!! I knew him all along! And here I was worried about finding a guy, go figure! So although, life changing choices aren't easy or to be taken lightly, you have to do what you feel best for YOU, and nobody else. Stay or go, but you have to be comfortable with the decision you make, either way can be scary, I think. And I used the axiom you only get one shot, this isn't dress rehearsal for your life, this is it!!!!! No do-overs!! Lol :) (you know I may complain about being broke, etc, but I am happy with myself for not settling and that's what I think is important, I never regret my decision)

Hugs,
Tracey :)

[trytosmile]

Love...can be so confusing.

I too got out of a marriage where the spark just wasn't there, never was. Heck, I called my maid of honor the night of my wedding and said "I think I just made the biggest mistake of my life" How said is that. But looking back on it the signs where all there and I just didn't see it. It was a great learning experience. I am with a wonderful person (even though he can piss me right off at times) but I truly love him.

Your a wonderful person and there is somebody out there for you that will love you unconditionaly for who you are and you will feel the same. PLEASE, please remember, you have us to lean on. We may not be there to physically give you a hug and boy I wish I could walk across the street right now and give you one. I know where you are, I've been there. It will get better one day. Email if you would like to chat !

:grouphug:

[loccolil]

I'm in an unhappy relationship!! He is a really great guy, understanding, supportive,caring, and best of all patient!! But I'm not in love with him, I never have been the whole 3 years I've been with him!! You see, I was with him when my ic started, so he knows all about and has stuck with me throughout it. I feel if I leave him, I'm never going to find a guy as great as him, come on, he's like the needle in the hay stack type of guy!! I'm definately not ugly at all, I would have no trouble finding another boyfriend but I feel I wouldn't be able to keep one because of my condition. It's not all about the sex, but from what I see, it is with guys from this generation!! Sex is all they think about nowadays!! I don't know what to do, he's my only support right now, my only friend( I don't have friends,not real ones)!! Sometimes I think he stays with me out of pitty!! I feel soo bad sometimes because I feel like I'm using him!! I don't think anyone will ever want to stick around!! I hate myself!! :headbang:


hi i have to put my two since in to because i am divorced and i still love the man i divorced very much, he lives next door and under stands the mood swings and every thing that goes with ic and all i have to say is if this man is this great and cares for you better hang on to him cause it is hard to find some one that understands and cares enough to stay with you. this is hard for family members to handle and understand. i think that there was something there that brought you to together to begin with so there must be something there deep down.i can tell you that it is better to have saomeone with you that cares then going in to it yourself. how long have you had ic, 3 years. i have had it for 24 and it dont get any better it gets worse and beleive me its no fun. there are times you want to :headbang: and then that dont help.you are just starting in it. so buckel up and enjoy the long rough ride.lilly

[desolationangel]

I also have to agree that "in love" is very real even as you get more comfortable with someone. Sure there won't be butterflies every time, but in a way it just gets deeper and stronger because of all that you share.

If you really don't feel anything for him, then by all means, find yourself what you deserve. Everyone deserves love-- those of us with IC deserve it no less than anyone else. In fact the man I love just told me that he feels very honored to be with this ICer... he says that my trials make me stronger and more patient with everyday things than other people could hope to be.

And all this gushing about love is coming from a very cynical person who didn't believe in love until she found it. Best friends is nice, and I'm certainly best friends with my boy, but there's something there that's so much deeper. If that's what you want, get out there and find it.

[VickiB]

Perhaps like our IC symptoms, love is different from one person to another. But I agree with much of the last post, love is much deeper. It's basis is not financial support, it's not sex. It doesn't lie in the act of bringing flowers, or buying fine jewelery, or taking out for dinner & dancing. But how to explain what love feels like to me? I think of the Forest Gump movie when he was explaining the mountain lake scene from when he was running to Jennie, he said something about the beauty of the lake, the mountains, and the sky. And how it was so beatiful and you couldn't tell where one ended and the other began! It's like two people who somehow become one, sharing good times and bad. Sharing hopes, dreams, trials, and failures. If he hurts, we hurt and when I stumble, we stumble. I know that he is there for me just as surely as I know my left arm is there to back up my right one at any time. Love means that even if his logic tells him that what I'm attempting to do is bound to go down in flames, as long as I believe in it, his only words will be to ask how he can help. And he'd hang in there 'til either it flies or crashes. We'll be celebrating our 26th anniversary in two months, though we've been a couple for almost 30 years. I still get butterflies when I see him. Always have! Expect I always will! My thoughts? Most definitly "love" is real, and my wish is that no-one settles for less!

Vicki

[traceann]

I agree, love is one of those "undefinables", it's different for everyone, everyone has different "loves", so-to-speak. So, what works for one as a sign of romance and love, might be something completely unromantic/lovable by someone else! What I did was kind of figure out what I wanted out of a relationship, what I felt I deserved, that wasn't easy -- my self-esteem was soooo low. But I knew I what I definitely wasn't getting, and it just wasn't working for me and I didn't want to wake up almost another 9-10 years and kick myself. And it's funny, but I am always reminded I did the right thing for me, it's crazy. The one I have now, can tell if something is bugging me just by the sound of my voice on the phone, when I think I am sounding just as cheery as always to myself, quite spooky really. :) And my ex who lived with me for 9 years, couldn't tell I was in a severe depression for months....I stopped doing everything I loved, cooking gardening etc, big red flags. He missed them completely. I used to laugh that I now have my "movie romance", it's all I have ever wanted, even though, yes, he's still a guy and still drives me crazy sometimes, the good definitely out-weighs the bad!

Hey Jen, I can relate to the wedding thing! I should have known too. On my wedding day I wasn't nervous, no butterflies, no excitement at supposedly marrying the man of my dreams, nope nothing. On the wedding video I complained about having a longer name to write out, and walking down the isle all I thought about was how bad me feet hurt and how I wished I'd peed first, cause I really had to go! Ugh.

Again, just take your time, don't make a hasty decision, try to figure out what feels right for you. It's the least you can do for yourself! And again, don't stay just cause you are afraid of never finding anyone else, you are cheating yourself, stay if you love the guy and can't imagine life with out him. Someone (a guy) once asked me about my guy, he said : It's not whether you can live with him, it's can you live without him?? Gave me something to think about, and he wasn't talking about financial support from the guy either, lol! ;)

Big Hugs!
Tracey :)

[trytosmile]

Tracey...

Your right, we where separated at birth.

We just went through all the pictures from my Grandmothers and came across some of my wedding pictures. I just didn't want to be there, got me thinking and your right, no butterflies, wasn't nervous and thinking back even planning it wasn't fun. Like is that not to be one of your finest moments. Hell I think I would have worn my jammies if they would have let me. Needless to say I tossed the pictures.

Yes, take your time, dig deep inside and you will find the answers you are looking for and they will be the right ones.

One step at a time !

[Flarin-up Vicky]

Thank you everyone, youv'e made me feel better!! He is a good guy, every time I feel down he makes me laugh,he comforts me when I'm in a flare,tries hard to keep me at my happiest because we all know it's hard to stay happy when your'e suffering from an incurrable condition that effects every aspect of your'e life. His birthday is on Saturday, I ordered him a yummy cake, Cocolate cake with chocolate buttercream icing,raspberry mousse filling,and colorful confetti and streamers!!! I know I'm not supossed to be eating all that chocolate or the mousse,but it's his birthday!! Besides, a little chocolate never hurt anybody, maybe me a little!!!:biglaugh: I feel bad because I wont have enough money to buy him a present,but he said not to worry about it,he doesn't care,he don't want nothin'!! What a great guy!!!

[traceann]

Well, I would think just the fact that you ordered HIM a yummy cake, something you know he would like, and not worrying about whether it's acceptable for IC or not is a huge gesture! I think that he will love it! Cause it's all about him, in world that sometimes seems like it's all about us all the time, ya know? Our troubles, our diets, etc. So, even if you decide not to indulge in the cake, have a great celebration with him!!!

hugs,
Tracey :)

[trytosmile]

Yummy, cake...what time is it being served.

Hope you have a great weekend.

[traceann]

Ice cream too?? Can I request mine be on different plates? I don't like cake crumbs mixing into my ice cream...lol

Tracey :)

[Dianne]

My understanding of love has changed a lot in the 12 years I've been married. I got vulvodynia the year after we got married, like really severe, couldn't sit in a chair for months, had to sit on my feet even at work. That went into remission on glucosamine but then developed severe IC. My husband has stuck with me through all of it. He's supported me through losing my only brother to AIDS, deaths of parents, grandparents, I'm the only one left in my family now. He supported me through the loss of pets, and a horrendous work situation that lasted two years. He supports all my dreams and goals. That's love! I have total freedom to go anywhere anyplace anytime and he's ok with that. He welcomes all my AA sponsees into our home whether it's sleepovers, middle of the night calls, whatever. He doesn't mind. There's no yelling or door slamming or raised voices in our home. We treat each other with total respect. He tickles my funny bone and makes me laugh. I want to be with him always. The catch? He wouldn't have a clue how to support me emotionally. I tried to teach him. Even went to therapy. It's not that he doesn't care. He just wasn't interested in learning or lacked the skills, I don't know but it's just not in him to do. I'd die to have him ask me just once how I feel or if I slept or the nights I'm getting up and down all night, just to say he's sorry I hurt. But that's never going to happen. I accepted that a long time ago and so I get my emotional needs met from women friends. No one person can be our everything. Sometimes I'm lonely in the relationship because he can't meet my emotional needs but when that bothers me I remind myself I wouldn't have found this great guy who had never been married, he would already have been taken. So I dwell on what I do have and not what I don't have. I'm sure he would prefer a wife that didn't have all these "issues" too so don't I owe him that same patience? I remain happily married because I learned how to take responsibility for my own needs and don't make it depend on him.

[traceann]

Those are terrific points! I agree, and I think that men just by nature, don't know how to handle "the emotional aspects" of things, women are socialized to be care-givers and nurturers, men aren't. Most are taught "boys/men don't cry", ect. I think that most of them aren't inept with it, they are just uncomfortable, with it. We women treat our women friends and our men the SAME, we love them, take care of them etc. Men, do not treat other men the same way they treat us, actually, that would be funny, thinking if they did-- "Of course Bob, those jeans don't make you look fat!" ;) So they have to "switch gears" when they are with us, and I think that their "transmissions" get screwed up sometimes, and they treat us like one of the guys, lol. They want to fix problems for us, not just listen and sympathize, it doesn't make sense to them, to talk about something and not DO anything about it. Where we women can beat something to death, lol, and still not be tired of going on about it! Somebody once told me that guys want "headlines", not "editorials", :)

My sweetie has his moments when I think, "wow what a caring and intuitive/sensitive man I have!" and others, well, let's just say he's not that at all....LMAO! But I love him anyway for all the things he doesn't say sometimes, the things he does for me to make my life easier...take out the trash, do the dishes, cook dinner etc...

Hugs,
Tracey --- my disclaimer: not saying all men are the same! Just sharing my opinion and musings on the subject, lol

[trytosmile]

Tracey and Dianne...you've hit the nail on the head. We are made up differently, always have been always will be. As they say men are from venus , woman are from mars...or which ever way it is. Just from two different planets. Doesn't make one any better than the other, we just think different

[traceann]

Hey Jen, I do like to think of us as the more "evolved species" though! LMAO!!! ;)

Tracey :)

[Flarin-up Vicky]

That's true adout their "transmissions" getting screwed up. My boyfriend has been up and down today!! He says a**h**e things one minute,then the next minute he want's to play with me and make me laugh!!! What the Hell?!! He's been getting on my nerves all freakin day.I'm like make up your mind,are you gonna be a d**k today,or are you gonna be nice and sweet today!! If he want's to be a d**k,then I'll go to my moms place and see him tomorrow.Guys are just like girls sometimes,they get all fussy and b****y like their experiencing PMS. It's Horrible and sooo irritating!! You better behave "Birthday Boy" or your'e gonna get noo cake and icecream,Mr!!!:biglaugh: Can't wait to have a taste of that cake!!YUUMMMY!!!!!:woohoo:!! I wanna :dance: and have some fun!!! :birthday: :birthday: :birthday: :birthday:

[VickiB]

I agree, women & men often 'think different', and believe problems arise when men expect a woman to think like a man, or women expect a man to think like a woman. We often 'read into' our mates actions or words things never meant, based on our own hard-wiring. I have to say God, or nature, planned wisely in this, because it seems to work well when the two compliment one another's ways. My hubby comes at problems pretty much strictly from logic, which granted, has it's advantages. I often bring a large emotional aspect into any problem, the feelings of those involved and other from the heart/type considerations. in the end, our solutions tend to be surprisingly well rounded. This is not to say we agree on everything. -Far from it! There are many areas, political, financial, friends, etc, that we know we will never see the same way. But we both feel that's okay, and respect each other's right to come to a different conclusion. It's not a matter of one being right and the other being wrong, it's seldom that black & white.

My hubby stinks at knowing how people 'feel', he's all but oblivious to it! It's not that he doesn't care, but more that his radar to read feelings is impaired. Is it a matter of not picking up on subtle body language or what? I don't know. He often relies on my thoughts in this area. I know he needs me to tell him how I feel, or he'll totally miss the boat on many things. And even then he doesn't understand it, he just accepts it as one of them female mysteries! -And shakes his head & smiles!

Hugs,
Vicki

[dragonfly7412]

Hello again,
I was just reading your last post and I would like to change what I said originally. I was not under the impression that you two were married. I had said that you should consider ending the relationship, and I ask that you to please disregard that. I am not married so therefore know nothing about marriage or being married.
That being said, it does sound like you have some very important components of a good relationship present in your marriage. (trust, respect, compassion). I also give you credit for being able to recognise that your husbands lack of response is more lack of understanding then lack of caring. This is a wonderful balance!
Good luck!

[Flarin-up Vicky]

I'm not married,not even close to being engaged!!

[mayray518]

There is a lot more to love than great sex, thats for sure. That part is nice but other things have to come along with it. On the other hand settling for someone because you are lonely, lack financial support, etc but do not really love him or have the "chemistry" that doesnt usually work out either.

[Flarin-up Vicky]

Great sex!! Who said anything about that,I don't even want it!! And your'e right,it's not going to work out with him because I am lonely and I definately need financial support!! I'm with him for all the wrong reasons!!!!

[mayray518]

I have to agree with Dragonfly here. I think you need the chemistry and the understanding of your partner. Believe me, after IC hit and I lost my life I would meet guys who had a lot to offer me and thought about getting into that but the chemistry just wasnt there and I am not the type to use a guy. Of course, there will be disagreements and a relationship changes during the years but if I stop feeling the "spark" I know they are not for me. I dont have all the answers but I think the worst thing that could happen is to live your life basically not thrilled with a relationship but just kind of stuck in it for co-dependency, financial reasons, fear of not meeting anyone else, etc. I see that happen to alot of people not just ICers. I have basically been so independent my whole life that I would rather remain single than to do that. I am in a good relationship now, with chemistry and so far so good, and we will see how that goes.

[Flarin-up Vicky]

Well,good for you Mayray518!!!!!!

[Sherry5]

Mayray, I can't remember who said this, I think it was Dr. Phil. He said "sex is about ten percent of your marriage when you are having it, and ninety percent when you are not." I find that to be so true!

[dragonfly7412]

Sherry, it was Dr.Phil and I agree that it is true.
Vicky, ok, I was confused twice before and it wont happen again! Not married, not engaged! So, in light of this development, please once again disregard my last post and re-instate my first! I'm sorry you feel lonley, I wish I could help you. Does he have any idea you feel this way about him? You seem to feel very strongly about the lack of connection with him, do you think there is any way he senses it? Just curious.
Good luck, cheer up!