Anybody done mariage counselling?

[Laura Bay]

Hi all,

Just wondering if any of you have gone to marriage counselling and how it worked out? My husband is insisting that we go and although I feel we could use it I still feel that I will have to defend my chronic illnesses and I've spent the last 5 years doing that with our friends and family and I just don't want to anymore.

I also have issues with his family. They have been completely cruel to me the entire time I have been ill. I get the impression that they don't believe I am as sick as I say that I am. They make me feel insignificant and I hate to be around them. I find them to be one of my biggest sources of stress.

This Friday is my husband's birthday. He wanted to have his family over on Saturday to celebrate both his birthday and his mom's which was a little while ago. Over this past weekend I got a terrible cold and am working and not feeling well at all. I asked that we postpone till next weekend if I was feeling better and he was o.k. with that. When I said that I can't say for sure for next weekend because I can't make plans this far in advance he said that he felt that I wasn't supporting him. I tried to explain that his family are not supportive of me and that when I am unwell the last thing I need is to be around them he wasn't very understanding. He says that I have to compromise. To be honest, I am the one not feeling well and I'm tired of putting myself last.

Am I being unreasonable. I have put myself in his family's plans many times to support him. I have tried to be nice and polite to them. They know all the facts on I.C. but I think they just don't like the fact that he is with a sick person. How am I supposed to co-exist with these people when they make me sick?

Laura

[ICNJess]

Laura,

I wasn't in marriage counseling, somewhat...but when I saw my pain management therapist, my husband came in and we had battled out a lot of issues in that office. It was kind of like marriage counseling I guess. I think very highly of the process, as it helped me to deal with a lot of unresolved issues, and especially issues with his family.

My in-laws are a different story, and honestly, it makes me so mad to think about them I could just toss my cookies.

Good luck, I hope this works for you.

Hugs,
Jess

[vm]

My husband and I have done marriage counseling - but it was before my IC. I found it very helpful to our relationship. It's important to find a good counselor or therapist --- if you end up with a crappy one it doesn't help much.

[IWin]

A good therapist should not take sides and you should not feel like you have to defend yourself.

They are trained in helping you resolve issues, helping you each see things a bit differently. If you aren't comfortable with one therapist, go elsewhere.

It's so easy for couples to get caught in "patterns" and see no way out. And this is where a trained third party can be a life saver.

I think it's wonderful your husband values your relationship and wants to work on it.

[traceann]

I agree with the others. Good counselors don't take sides, and can be a great help in how you habitually deal with problems -- by showing you other options for tackling the tough stuff with one another. How to "fight" more productively etc...

My ex-husband and I went (prior to IC diagnosis, about 5-6 yrs ago), please don't let that scare you, he's not my ex because of the counselling, lol. I found it very helpful. He only went once with me, and that was to the first session, and it did improve things, even though he didn't stick to it. I continued to go though, one on one, until I just couldn't afford it any longer and am soooo glad I went. It helped ME and I was better equipped to deal with things, ex even noticed a change in me, not that he was really happy about it, I was a much more vocal and strong person, I was thrilled. So, if he's as willing as he is, give it shot, you may get more than you counted on in surprising ways. :) I know dealing with in-laws can be really tough, believe me. I wasn't really liked from the get-go, just because I wasn't the first wife, they loved her. I didn't stand a chance, and he didn't help me out in that dept very well at all. At least though, I didn't have to deal with them very often, cause they drove him crazy too, so it wasn't too stressful.

Well, anyway, I say give it a shot, at the very least you'll walk from it feeling better about you, and that's always a good thing!

Hugs,
Tracey :)

[Laura Bay]

Thanks you guys!! I feel better already. I'll give it a shot and let you know once I've been how it goes. I found one that deals with chronic illness and I think in our situation that is important.

Keep you posted and thanks again.

Laura :kissing:

[Betsie]

Hey Laura,
Here is my offering. Based soley on your post and the snippet of what goes on "daily" in your home and your heart, I strongly suggest this. I have not done this, but I do know the inlaw problem and it can wreck a marriage. I think if your husband has asked its great. Also, don't assume all is about your IC, speaking from experience I suspect there were issues before IC and other ones present as well. I think any marriage worth saving is worth some hard work and learning that two people are involved. The hardest thing in the world to learn is not being right all the time and counseling teaches you how to constructively deal with those issues that always seem to be there. It's a great tool and I agree with KIM (VM) do some research and find one that suits both of you. Sounds like a special guy who cares enough to work on the "glitches". :)

[Maribeth-rn]

I have counseled others on many types of issues and worked with counselors myself. Like everyone has said, you have to find a counselor/therapist that is impartial and also knowledgeable in working with people who have chronic illnesses. If you have a pain management center, the may know of someone to recommend. I think that is important because they can explain things to your husband in a way that he may understand better. Luckily, my current husband is very understanding. My ex and his family were not supportive of me while we were married. I was not as sick at that time and I don't think I could have handled being with him the way I feel now. Do not let them make you feel guilty because you probably feel that enough on your own. That will just make you feel worse. Good luck with everything.

Beth

[glowbug]

My husband and I went to counseling because of his parents. I was ready to walk out of the marriage. His entire family is overly critical of me, they have even went as far as to make things up about me, and yet my husband was always very supportive of them, not me. The counseler helped my husband to see this. Things are better between us now, not perfect, but some progress has been made.

If you need to vent about your in-laws you can send me a private message, I will understand, venting helps!!! I have the in-laws from :evilsmile, I know!

[ICNDonna]

I absolutely agree with the others. So many times, only the wife will go and even that helps. Having your husband willing and suggesting this step is very good --- it means he wants to make things better for both of you.

I worked with a marriage and family counselor and saw how much it helped many people.

Warm encouraging hugs,
Donna