Feeling way, way down right now

[dragonfly7412]

Hi everyone,
After this post I am taking a break from this site for a while, because I am starting to feel a bit overwhelmed with everything that is happening lately. I just got another UTI and can't see me doc. until Friday, and today has just been the worst. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years and we love eachother ect, ect, but I feel like in the past year, because of this IC stuff, I have totally changed as a person. We used to go out all the time, couldn't keep our hands off eachother (even after 5 years!), I felt sexy, confident, beautiful and alive! I pretty much look the same, but I feel like my self esteem has become non-existent. He never makes me feel guilty or pressured but tonight I leaned over to kiss him and make out (obviously no sex, but other stuff is possible, especially for him! I know this is personal & sorry if you feel weird reading this) and he kind of, didn't push me away but ended the kiss with that stupid, stupid closed-lipped kiss, saying its okay, we don't have to do anything. I felt totally rejected! I realized this has been happening a lot lately and I started to feel really sad about it so I came home to my apartment to cry and cry, and cry. :loco:
I know he is totally turned on by confident women, and I feel like I am not that person anymore! It is making me cry even now, thinking about him not being attracted to me anymore! I know I just posted 2 days ago how great I was feeling, & I still mean everything I said, but today I feel like I am moving backwards. I know that there isn't anyone else he is interested in, but I feel like he doesn't see me the same way anymore because i've lost all this self esteem.
I know it is totally in ME to turn this attitude around, to see myself the same way as before, but sometimes when I kiss him or try and initiate something, and right away if he doesn't respond, I feel stupid and pathetic! I need some advice, badly! Wearing skirts is totally out of the question as I live in Toronto and it is -15 everyday.
I will return in a week and read your suggestions, I need them badly. I feel a bit embarassed admitting it, but I honestly mostly feel pathetic. What do you do when you need to feel sexy or renewed? As for myself, the first thing I MUST do is get my eyebrows waxed, pronto! Thanks in advance and i'll be back in a week, take care and thanks again for listening.
Caroline
ps.doesn't crying make you feel so tired?, esp. when it is of the hyperventilation variety. :shake:

[Betsie]

Crying makes you feel like $#@! and in my case i do what Oprah calls the UGLY cry. It is scary...however, sometimes i think that spent feeling afterwards is just the ticket to picking yourself up. In due time. :)

Okay, has your b/f told you he doesnt desire you/ have you asked/ or have you asked too much...that too can backfire. Trust yourself more. Yes, we sure do get elated when feeling well and then poof!!...one setback and we have reduced ourselves to pathetic. Not true, just a bump along the way. I have a friend with polio...she is perhaps one of the most gorgeous women i know. She is in complete and utter pain 24/7...has raised 3 smart and beautiful daughters and she walks with special crutches, that only emphasize how difficult it is for her to walk, stand up straight and not appear awkward. We were involved in kids sports for so long....she never asked for special treatment, we were quite involved as parents on a number of boosters efforts and I admire her immensley. She would worry about my chronic migraines and I would sit there and vent, while not noticing her disability. She is not well respected from pity, she is well respected from all that she does and not what she can't. :bow:

Okay, long story, but her husband still looks at her with awe and is not in anyway different from all the rest.

I think we get real down and that's okay. What isn't okay is getting stuck there, assuming we are less worthy of decent relationships, etc. We are so normal, we just happen to have a bladder disease. For some it is debilitating, for most of us, it is manageable....sex for many of us is awkward if not downright torture....so we find other ways to love and be loved. But when we assume we are not lovable, others forget this as well. :rolleyes:

Take a breather from the boards....go on with daily living and even if you are really down, remember it will pass. If it doesn't, speak to your Dr.(s)....they can and will help. They may not always acknowledge pain, but most do get how it affects us emotionally and can at least help on that score. Give that b/f a chance to decide his feelings, don't push him away, especially if he is the real deal. :kissing:

[donutgirl]

Caroline.....I know exactly where you are coming from. Having said that...let me suggest that maybe, just maybe, your boyfriend is getting turned on and afraid things are getting a little too heated and is trying to keep a little distant to keep from hurting you. I know my hubby and I had to have a serious talk early on after my diagnosis because I was feeling unattractive to him. I thought my IC was turning him off and he was seeing me in a different light. It turned out, he wanted me as much or more than ever, but was afraid to hurt me or cause me pain. You are still the same person...just have to communicate that to him.

Good luck!

Diane

[ICNDonna]

You've been given some good advice. I have one thing to add and that is to suggest you see a counselor to help you rebuild your self esteem. Remember --- you are still the same person --- and you will have better days ahead.

Sending warm encouraging hugs,
Donna

[vm]

I totally agree with Donna - this will pas and you will feel better. I think breaks from the site are really good for us at times. Sometimes bladder stuff can overwhelm when we read about it too much. Sometimes a break helps give us a little perspective.

Please talk to your boyfriend about how you are feeling. It might help. :kissing:

[dyno]

I agree with all the others and had something that might be something fun to do to try to regain a good feeling about yourself. How about if you can afford to do it, a day just for you, getting your hair done, nails, the works, a makeover of sorts. I always feel good about me when I look good.

[ICNJess]

Breaks are wonderful, I take them from time to time to clear my head. I don't have too much to add, other than I felt like I was slipping from my husband in the same regard. I had gone from Miss Independent, to a messy ball of tears and self-pity. Later on, I learned that my insecurities (thanks to IC and all the other fun diseases that go along with it) had completely whomped my self-esteem.

Once I began to build it back up, I felt much better. It will take some time--but I know you can do it.

You may look the same on the outside, but on the inside it is hard to deal with chronic illness. It changes all of us...and it just takes some time to find our way back to the way we once were.

Hugs,
Jess

[dawn42007]

I totally understand how you feel! I have gone through those same emotions and fears. At times the distance between my husband and I seems dangerously far. The one things I have found to help is to have a serious heart to heart with him. Most of the time my fears are put to rest and the air is cleared. There usually are things that he has misunderstood about my actions toward him and vice versa. As hard as it is to toally open up about my emotions and fears, I have always come out of our talks feeling 100% better, emotionally at least.
Remeber, guys can sometimes be single minded, things that you take as signs about yourself may not be meant that way by him at all. Sometimes when I think my husband is upset with me, he is really just in deep thought about his guitar! Things will get better. Hugs and prayers!!
Jessica :hi:

[desolationangel]

I agree that it is possible that he is just afraid of things getting too intense, and he doesn't want to hurt you. I find it best that if my boyfriend and I start getting physical, we have a short talk about how far I think I'll be able to go that night. That way we know that the goal is kissing, or massage, or oral sex, or if some penetration will be attempted, and no one is disappointed that they didn't get what they were hoping for.

And taking a break from these boards, as wonderful as they are, can be very helpful in getting back in touch with your life outside of IC.