straybebe
01-09-2005, 03:49 PM
It is incredibly difficult for me to connect with other people, since my diagnosis I've been abandoned so many times that I no longer make an effort to have any relationships, except for my one friend. I don't want to sound selfish but my friend lives several hundred miles away of which I'm comfortable with. I'm so afraid of abandonment and/or rejection that I have been unwilling to move closer to her so she can help take care of me. I love that she cares, but she has a husband, 3 kids, one on the way and a business to run, when will she have time for me? And if I do move there what if after the honeymoon so to speak is over will she disgard me and will not be of any purpose to her? I've talked to her about this many times over the last 5 yrs. she feels I would do better there and promises she will not abandon me. But my anxiety stems from a lifetime of experiance, I had a wonderful friend for 7 yrs, we worked together, lived across the street from each other, but soon after I was diagnosed she ejected me from her life without even discussing it with me, that was 10 yrs ago and I'm still recovering from the loss. Being a military kid then the family turned gypsy after the service we hardly stayed in one place more than 18 mo's. I tracked my address's since I was 16 yrs (now 47 yrs) and they totaled 51, what I learned was not to get to attached to anything. So I never learned how to interact or have relationships other than 1st surface. (there's alot of physical, mental and emotional abuse in my past)
So this forum is an incredibly wonderful way for me to talk to others without the fear of rejection. I hope that doesn't offend anyone, I can say some really dumb stuff sometimes. I was robbed of my rose colored glasses, when I had those I was a openly giving person, no matter the reason I'd help anyone who asked until I had nothing left to give. I had hope and found things beautiful. Now I am accepting of my station in life, I ask for nothing from anyone, except I guess her, in hopes I'm received and am allowed to vent once in a while, I do experiance in Indigent Medication Programs, researching and locating assistance for the low income. I was luky enough for a short time to work with Government Housing Programs, boy did I learn from them. But unfortunately my health took away my job, but my ex-employer still calls on me to train his managers, in return I get a reduction in rent which is a God send. I thank you all for being here and hopefully as I learn to navigate my health issues someway someday I may be of help to someone where I am now or more. I'm trying to be positive but generally I'm so depressed I don't sleep due to the horrifying bloody nightmares that I've had since I was 10 yrs old, and the physical maddening pain from IC and Fibromyalgia, not forgetting the sub-illness's like IBS, GERD, chronic dizzies, migraines, TMD, ruptured disc's in my neck and back, ETC...... I tell my counselor every week that I want to leave this planet and am planning how and when. All of the above is not as hard as being alone. If I were to lose conscienceness or some other whatever causing me to need help no-one would know and it's be likely that as much as 10-14 days or longer before I was discovered. I've lived for the 1st time in this apt. for 3 1/2 yrs, for the 1st 2 yrs all my neighbors thought my apt. was vacant. I can only feel comfortable going to the store from 12am-5am, so very rarely has anyone seen me leave my apt, even then they just thought I was visiting someone.
If you will please pray for me and those who're suffering the IC and any disease. Thank you for being here and allowing me to vent my boo-hoo's. :help:
So this forum is an incredibly wonderful way for me to talk to others without the fear of rejection. I hope that doesn't offend anyone, I can say some really dumb stuff sometimes. I was robbed of my rose colored glasses, when I had those I was a openly giving person, no matter the reason I'd help anyone who asked until I had nothing left to give. I had hope and found things beautiful. Now I am accepting of my station in life, I ask for nothing from anyone, except I guess her, in hopes I'm received and am allowed to vent once in a while, I do experiance in Indigent Medication Programs, researching and locating assistance for the low income. I was luky enough for a short time to work with Government Housing Programs, boy did I learn from them. But unfortunately my health took away my job, but my ex-employer still calls on me to train his managers, in return I get a reduction in rent which is a God send. I thank you all for being here and hopefully as I learn to navigate my health issues someway someday I may be of help to someone where I am now or more. I'm trying to be positive but generally I'm so depressed I don't sleep due to the horrifying bloody nightmares that I've had since I was 10 yrs old, and the physical maddening pain from IC and Fibromyalgia, not forgetting the sub-illness's like IBS, GERD, chronic dizzies, migraines, TMD, ruptured disc's in my neck and back, ETC...... I tell my counselor every week that I want to leave this planet and am planning how and when. All of the above is not as hard as being alone. If I were to lose conscienceness or some other whatever causing me to need help no-one would know and it's be likely that as much as 10-14 days or longer before I was discovered. I've lived for the 1st time in this apt. for 3 1/2 yrs, for the 1st 2 yrs all my neighbors thought my apt. was vacant. I can only feel comfortable going to the store from 12am-5am, so very rarely has anyone seen me leave my apt, even then they just thought I was visiting someone.
If you will please pray for me and those who're suffering the IC and any disease. Thank you for being here and allowing me to vent my boo-hoo's. :help: