any ideas, help or words of support?

[southerngirl]

I have terrible pain with intercourse. My husband and I have been married for three years and have only had sex --well I could probably count it on one maybe two hands. He is usually understanding, but I feel horrible. My sex drive has gone down steadily over the past three years and now my husband doesn't even want to try when I do feel like trying because he figures I'll end up hurting and we'll have to stop in the middle--which is frustrating to him. Any tips or ideas on what to do about this problem?
I also feel so horrible about being this way. I feel awful dissappointing him and not being able to do things that a "normal wife" would do. I also wonder how long will he be able to put up with a wife who can't have sex, and who feels bad so much of the time and who never feels like going out. Sorry for going on and on--I just feeling insecure all of a sudden. Any advice or words of support will be appreciated. Anyone else go through all this as well?

[ICNDonna]

If you will go to the Patient Handbook at http://www.ic-network.com/handbook you'll find a section with some helpful information. It's possible to develop a satisfying sexual relationship with IC. It does take open communication, experimentation, and lots of lubricant.

Sending encouraging hugs,
Donna

[Lady Tamara]

hey there southern girl...BIG HUGZZ...i am 22, and i have VV and associsted IC, and i am unable to have sex atm too..i know the feeling's of guilt, self doubt and worthlessness that it can make you feel, towards being a woman with a partner. :( it is shocking, and my support goes out to you. i am not married, but i do have a bf, of nearly a year and we have not been able to have sex once yet because of the condition i am in. But he is very supportive, and understanding..but i have spent many hours crying over, if i don't get better he will not want to be with me anymore. I see a counsellor, and yesterday she told me a few ways, to see things. Love is not based around sex, love is many other things, only one person gives your partner affection, is caring and supportive in that way..and thats you. I know its so hard to not focus on the fact you can;'t have sex and the feelings that go along with it...I wish you the best of luck and yeah feel free to message me if u ever need to talk :)
Luv Tamara

[sweetpea2555]

Hi! I just wanted to let you know your not alone. My sex life with my husband just does not exist like I wish it did. My husband is also very understanding at least most of the time.Your husband obiously loves you very much. Keep in mind it's not your fault. Keep talking to him, let him know how you feel and work something out. I know it's not easy and sometimes I feel insecure also. It sucks I know. Just tell him how you feel and don't give up. If others can overcome this and get their sex life back, so can we with our husbands. Be patient and don't give up!

[desolationangel]

i just had a good cry about this subject. i used to have a really good sex life, then BAM ic hit a few months ago and now it's non-existant.

my boyfriend is so amazing about this, in fact he seems to be taking it better than i am. i cannot help but break down on occasion, but i think what we have to do is have faith that someday we will find treatments and ways to "work around" things that allow us to have intimacy back.

and be thankful that we have partners who love us for more than sex.

[work it]

hey southern girl I am so sorry to hear that your pain is so bad. It sounds like your husband is understanding though which is good. Have you talked to your Dr or uro about the pain? Maybe they could suggest something as well. Different postitions for me help a little. Remember sex is not everything. It is the love that two people have for each other and there are many ways to express it. I hope you can find some sort of pain control.

[amaris]

this is a painful (physical, emotional) subject for hubby and myself. It isn't easy, but we're committed to spending a lifetime together discovering and defining our physical relationship on our terms. Donna's right about communication, experimentation and lubrication. They have all been helpful to hubby and me. In the end, I know that he loves me for who I am and our physical intimacy is just one facet of our relationship.

wishing you well,
Amaris

[anxious one]

I know where you are coming from. I miss those days where we had a great sex life, great because it was without pain, fear or worry about getting a UTI.

All I can say is that there are other things to try besides actual intercoarse. (things that won't cause pain!) Also, when my hubby and I have sex we usually don't rely on penetration alone because (i'm sorry to be graphic!) but I can't handle it for that long because of pain. I might manually stimulate him and then only have actual penetration for a minute or two. This seems to work best for me and he doesn't mind at all- he's still happy! :)

Also, as everyone else has said use lots and LOTS of lubricant!!

Hope this helps,

sara

[mary124]

I feel for you, I was diagnois with IC 16 years ago and married for 21 yrs, and up till about 2 years ago I had a wonderful sex life. But it has gone down hill since then. At first my husband was understanding, but now, I'm not too sure. I feel guilty for not giving in to him. If I know he is in "the mood" I just grin and bear it and take something for the pain, then he feels guilty for hurting me. For the most part now, we just hold and cuddle each other.

[poetgirl]

Hi Southerngirl,

I understand how frustrating this is for you. Before I got IC, VV and recurrent UTIs under control, I didn't think it would be possible to ever have a normal sex life again. And it's hard to be "in the mood" when you're in pain and/or worrying about being in pain during and after. Your husband may appreciate any efforts to be intimate with him, even if it doesn't include intercourse. And don't forget there are activities like massage, gentle stroking, etc that you can both do to feel close with each other. Do try talking to your doctor about the pain; there are things s/he can prescribe to help with that.

[broken_smile]

Hi Southerngirl,
I have had IC for about 16 years. The things I find most helpful is using a very good lubrication product that is water soluable like KY Jelly or Astro Glide. Make sure your vaginal area is really clean. Urinate before sex and after sex. I find that clitorial stimulation by vibrating bullet while lubricated really good I can go ahead an have an orgasm really quick. My husband praticipates in the process by caressing me while I use the vibrator only on my clitoris. After I am all done we have intercourse which doesn't last long after my husband has to watch me. Again make sure you are well lubricated before penetration. After intercourse I go right away to urinate and get in a tub of water that is as hot as I can stand it and use a very mild soap like Dove to cleanse myself. What I am trying to say is the less time you have with actual penetration the better off you are. When I get out of tub I make sure that I dry myself off and sometimes I will use blow dryer to make sure my bottom is dried. It seems to me if there is a lot of mositure left it aggravates my IC. Well that is about the only thing that works for me. So SORRY to be SO GRAPHIC. I hope this does not offend any one. I am just trying to help. I wish someone had given me this advise instead of learning through trial and error.
Broken_Smile :grouphug: ;)

[MegPSU]

I can completely echo your story. The constant guilt was just about as bad as the constant pain...even though my boyfriend at the time of my worst condition was wonderful about it. I wondered how he or anyone who came after him (he was not, in fact, "the one") would want to be with someone who is, in my words then, "sexually broken."

I found that the stress and guilt only compounded the problem. Taking things slow and allowing myself to have the "if I can, I can, if I can't, I can't" attitude helped me to enjoy the intimacy I could have and prepared my body physically for the actual act.

As everyone else has said, sex isn't love or marriage or life. But it is important to us all! I say talk about it, reduce the pressure surrounding the issue, and experiment with what works for you.