When people ask "how are you"?

[creatingkarma]

I no longer know what to say when people ask "How are you?" I wasn't well yesterday. I'm not well today & I won't be well tomorrow. I am so sick of being negative all the time & I don't want to be someone that people avoid because I never have anything good to say. When I reply with "I'm doing good", then they get a big smile on their face & assume that I've been miraculously healed. They always follow it up by asking "So, you haven't been having any pain?" Well, of course I've been in pain & I actually LIED when I said that I was good, but I just don't know what else to say. Or they will say "tell me the real answer". I'm very perplexed at what to say to this question. On one hand, I don't want to complain about my health all the time, but on the other hand, I know that the people asking are truely concerned & want to know. I am tired of talking about my health. Most of the time, it's all that I have to talk about & I'm sick of it. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I wish that people would just quit asking, but I know that will never happen. What do you all say to "how are you?".

[classics]

When people ask "how are you", most of the time it's just a greeting and all they really expect you to say is "fine, how are you?". I reply this way to anyone who casually asks me and I can tell by the tone of their voice if they are really concerned about how my condition is doing. I think the best way to avoid getting into a full discussion about how you are really doing, is to keep your answer as brief as possible.

Having pain all the time, of course is always on your mind and it's hard not to talk about it especially when other's ask. I think a good thing to do is write a list of all other things that are going on in your life, or members of your family, then you can review the list before getting in a social situtation (like during the holidays that are coming up). You can try to change the subject, or you can acknowledge that, "yes, I'm still having a problem", but for today, I just don't want to talk about it". Then try to change the subject to things on your list. Another thing is to start asking the person questions about them, then they can talk about their problems and you can listen for a change.

It's amazing how most all my friends have health complaints of some kind or another, or they have someone in their family who has a problem. It seems we think that everyone is feeling good except us, when the fact is many people are not doing well, and they are walking around with illnesses or deseases you can't physically see.

[dancemomof2]

KArma Higs, I know what you mean, it is hard not to grab them by the troat and ask them "What do you think" especially people who know your not well. Hugs.

[Imustpee]

I tell people I am " Hanging in there"....when I get to know them better I tell them about I.C...

[kadi]

My standard answer when I was sickest was, "Just plugging along" or like imustpee, "hanging in there". If they really wanted to know they asked more, but mostly people just accepted that & moved on...
I like what Connie said about how people are often having troubles of their own. So true!

[Betsie]

I liked Connie's remarks on this topic so much that I tried typing in her name when trying to sign in. :dizzy:

Seriously, I loved your way of looking at it and I feel very much the same way. I doubt I cold have said it nearly as well.

My biggest pet peeve is when I hear myself explaining my pain or other symptom, as I know it is very difficult to respond to. :hmm:

[classics]

Thank you, Betsie and Kadi. I think the main reason it's so hard to explain to other people is because they never heard of I.C. Some even assume that you might not have I.C. or suggest having something else. That's what I have come across with a few people.

[andcohen]

I know what you meen.. Half the time I don't think my freinds really give a hoot, they just ask to be poliet so I always give the standard answer of Yeh not too bad. I meen do they really want you to go on with how sick you are of being in pain everday of your life, about how anything you do revolves around the loo or how little sleep you had the night before????
Andrea :toilet:

[green_the_fish]

I SO relate to your post, Karma! I actually stopped and read your post aloud to my mother. Her response? "Oh, so you wrote that?"
I know the feeling :rolleyes:

I've been having the exact same problem. I've begun to say: "you know, the same".
Sometimes, it's best to give a random answer, like: "another day, another dollar" or "different day, same stuff" with a little laugh.
If they know you, you've already told them (or probably plan to) that you have IC. If not, well, you probably don't know them well enough to want them to be aware of your IC anyway.

P.S. So, how are you doing? :lmao: j/k

[ICNDonna]

I like the "hanging in there" reply best --- if it's someone I know well, sometimes my wierd sense of humor shows itself and I say something like "I checked the obits this morning and my name wasn't there so guess I'm still among the living."

:)
Donna

[classics]

Lol, Donna. That reminds me of my 92 year old step dad. When you ask him how he's doing he either says, "okay, for an old clunker", or "I'm still alive!" It's probably the the way he says it that's more funny than anything else.

[Lyn40]

Donna, you win a prize on that one! It gave me a good laugh.

It is so true that most people who ask how you are doing, really don't want to know. I have learned the hard way that my explanations are usually senseless. I have always been so darn honest that I always felt a need to tell the truth. Now that I've been at this awhile, I have learned to lie so well. My answer is usually 'okay'. Boring answer, but its the middle ground truth! Sometimes I don't even get the 'okay' out. I just smile and immediately ask them how they are doing so I can avoid having to answer about me. Especially on those real bad days, I will do anything to avoid having to talk about me.

Now when I am asked "How are you feeling?", they are speaking of my health and may really want to know. Even then I have to think whether I should talk or not. Sometimes I reply 'not too good!' and I just get a hug. A hug with no words is sometimes the best someone can offer you.

And believe it or not, after having said all this, I often find I feel best when I can go to someone else with as big if not bigger problem than I have, and offer them comfort when they don't even know I have a problem. Maybe part of that is that I just feel safe when I know I don't have to tell a lie. I just started tutoring a student from the adult literacy program. I have forced myself to do this, when I knew there would be tough days with my pain. And believe me, there are!!! BUT, it is the best thing I have done since having IC - to focus on someone else and not expect anything in return.

[ShelbySW]

My mother actually told me to stop talking about my IC and "just deal with it!" She also told me that it's no one elses fault if my husband leaves me because I'm in bed all the time. That made me feel just great! My husband always tells me that he's not going anywhere and no one understands what IC is and how it affects me. Still hurts to hear the truth sometimes. Since then I dont tell anyone how I really feel. If I'm having a really bad day I'll say, "I just don't feel very good." Enough said. Most people don't want to know details. I just get really good at changing the subject.

[windwalker]

When ppl ask how I am, I give one of two answers, "alive" or "could be better, could be worse".

[DetroitMel]

Karma you are so right about what should the reply be to that question? I've gotten really tired of my co-workers and my boss asking me DAILY, how are you doing today? (and I know they're asking about my IC, not how I'm doing overall). And if I say "I'm alright" or "hanging in there" it balloons into a big discussion on how I'm really feeling, and do I need to lie down, do I want to go home, etc.? I know that this is nice, and I should be grateful, but sometimes it's a little TOO much. There are a few people in my life I wish I hadn't told about my IC at all because when they look at me and I don't look so hot, it's all they can think about, even if I'm just tired, or have a cold, or whatever. I don't want to lie, and say "I'm feeling super wonderful!", but I don't want to broadcast to the world that I'm having a rough day, either.

So, I guess I usually just say "I'm doing good, thanks" and then quickly change the subject or ask that person another question. Only when my mom or dad or my fiance ask me will I say - I'm having a crappy day and I don't feel good, hug me and love me!!! And they always do :)

Mel

[southerngirl]

HI!
I know how ya'll feel. I hate always sounding so negative all the time also.
It's mostly just my family that ask me how I'm doing since I can't work and am unable to get out much. Plus, all my friends are in a different state and I don't really know many people here because I've been horribly sick since I moved to NC 3 years ago. But anyway, as I was saying, my mom asks me ususally how I'm feeling and I ususally just tell her not good. Then she will often respond with "I wish you would say you felt good just one day."
Which then makes me feel bad for saying I feel bad!!!!
:loco:

[kadi]

You know, it really astonishes me how often we have to make OTHER people feel okay about our illness!!! (As if OUR being okay with it isn't a struggle already!)
:headbang:

[rjyoon]

Here's a tip I learned a long time ago & am saving if I ever need it. A woman was asked daily at work how she was. She didn't want to go into details, but it was appropriate for her manager to know something about how she was doing. They came up with a system where she'd rate how she was doing on a scale of 1 - 10. No prolonged discussion, no details of symptoms, just a way for the manager to know how bad or good the day was. I liked this solution (haven't had to use it yet myself).

[Katrina]

I never want to lie at that question....because there are going to be a few people that are concerned. So I may say, surviving, hanging in there, not quite as bad today, today is quite hard, I don't want to be overly negative but still truethful....from than on I try to be possitive but with that one question I always tell people. I know it is quite common question/greeting theese days but how I answer can be quite important. I use harder or not quite as bad for those that ask often.

I don't feel it is really a complaint if it is just one little answer and I don't think saying I am ok or fine is the thing to do if it isn't true....

I try to live by the Optimist Creed so I answer that question and than talk happily.

Sometimes I think people than can see that yes my life is hard but my outlook is good.
That is what I want people to see.

:grouphug:

[sleepyangel30]

I'm with Katrina "I try to live by the Optimist Creed so I answer that question and than talk happily"

[Jean12]

I've been off the board for quite awhile due to various reasons. I was just skimming trying to do a little catch up and this post caught my eye.

I found a way to handle this question that seems to work for me and the people around me. I usually answer "I'm holding my own, thank you!" I say it in an upbeat melodious way and by adding the "thank you" at the end most people don't seem to pursue me by asking further questions. I'm being truthful when I say I'm holding my own. I have ups and downs but for the most part I'm holding my own. Those that know me well may still ask if I still have "that bladder thing" going on and my reply is yes, unfortunately they haven't found a cure yet but I'm doing my best until a cure comes along.

I've found that this way I can answer honestly, but not fall into the woe is me, hear me complain trap where I send them away wondering why they asked in the first place.

Some of my more humerous replies for those people who are closer to me and I can answer comfortable are:
I'm in pretty good shape, for the shape I'm in.
Only peed 24 times today instead of 25, that's progress.
I also use the obituary one too.

Jean

[windwalker]

Good replies Jean! :) :)

[ShelbySW]

This reply has absolutely nothing to do with the topic, but it made me smile ( which is a rareity these days).... Jean - I LOVE THAT PICTURE!!!! I'm an animal nut! I have 3 cats, 1 dog, and a frog. We have probably about a thousand pictures of our cats... I fear the day I have children... I'll be "one of those" moms that has to have a picture of EVERYTHING...* shakes head in disapointment * :)

[aquafina]

Most of the time I just tell them about something good that happened that day and if I am in a lot of pain I just say well my bladder is not going insane right now. IF IT IS> and if my bladder is awfull I try to just tell them that I was glad to get out today or you know I slept really good last night. I have found it frustrating as well to try to answer the question how are you. Because when people know that you have a chronic illness you know won't go away and that you could be great for a few days or weeks or terrible for a few months and people are confused and you know you don't need a new diagnosis but it is the nature of the disease. I just try to tell them what is feeling good and then I haven't lied and focused their attention on what it wrong but I have told them what is going good and that helps me feel better about how I feel. I have ran into a lot when someone asks me how I am doing and I say good they say or assume I find out later that I am cured or whatever. Anyways, hope that helps. It helps me be optomisic as well

brooke

[trytosmile]

Oh, I so agree with everyone. In the beginning I would try hide it, I'm ok...bla bla bla. Then one day the story started, "Oh, have you seen Jen. Asked her how she was and she said she was ok but man see looks horrible." Well this went from that person to this person and on and on and on. Finally got to my parents and they went through the roof. If was nobodies business but some people just thrive in making your business there business. By the time is got to them I think death was on the table....LOL.

Now people want to know I tell it all, that I feel like crap. If they give me the "look" I give them a short, detailed version of what IC is and they don't ask again. To explain the whole picture would take a week.

Second question i avoided in the beginning was..."so where do you work' I'm on disability, again in the beginning would say, "oh at bla bla bla" , stories flew and now I tell it all.

[Julie B]

Lately I have been answering "doing really good." I went through the time when I had people ask and I felt obliged to say something about the IC (obliged to tell the "truth?" not sure why I felt that way.) Then I realized I needed to vent on ICN and leave it here.

When I answer doing really good, or something like that, I then refer to other things that are going on......the kids..........grad school........any project around the house. I think people just mean it in greeting, or if they really are asking, about how things are in general. I think because I was so focused on this disease for awhile that I assumed people were asking abouthow I "felt."

I do have a couple of friends who ask, with genuine concern, how is your health. One gal almost lost her whole small intestine to bleeding inflammatory bowel and the other suffers from psoriasis to the point where she bundles up to her wrists and neck even in the heat of winter. So I genuinely believe they understand. (I always return the questions.)

So I like the list making idea for anyone who is sick or having other serious problems...........even for everyday.........what GOOD is happening in your life........and talk about that or post it on your mirror in the bathroom...........you will likely start to feel better about everything! :-)

[PenguinK]

I like the brief answers - "getting by" "ok" but -"I'm up and dressed" really gets them. :)
I am new to this and tired of people wanting good news from me. I am a very upbeat and happy person. Very talkative and always good for a joke, quick wit comeback, or anything for a smile. Lately, I haven't been myself and it's as if people are upset that I'm not making them laugh anymore. I'm sorry, I wasn't aware I was the school clown, I thought I was just a Teacher's aide with a sense of humor. I do try to be funny with the kids, but you can tell it's a weak attempt.
One person that has a friend with IC said " I don't understand why you are still in so much pain! My friend had her surgery and she's fine now!" It makes me wonder what kind of IC she has???? :rolleyes: Aren't we all different????

Hang in there!
KK

OOh! I've got one from George Carlin's "A place for my stuff" album :
"Relatively Neato" or "I'm not unwell thank you" :bonk:

[janelle77362]

When people ask me how I am doing. I usually reply with a great and talk about the kids, the marriage, work, or school. I try to focus on the positive aspects of my life when I speak to people and avoid talking about any medical problems. I would just rather not discuss my IC with people unless they specifically ask how my IC is. :)

[bunny]

I say--not much improved with a smile.


I no longer know what to say when people ask "How are you?" I wasn't well yesterday. I'm not well today & I won't be well tomorrow. I am so sick of being negative all the time & I don't want to be someone that people avoid because I never have anything good to say. When I reply with "I'm doing good", then they get a big smile on their face & assume that I've been miraculously healed. They always follow it up by asking "So, you haven't been having any pain?" Well, of course I've been in pain & I actually LIED when I said that I was good, but I just don't know what else to say. Or they will say "tell me the real answer". I'm very perplexed at what to say to this question. On one hand, I don't want to complain about my health all the time, but on the other hand, I know that the people asking are truely concerned & want to know. I am tired of talking about my health. Most of the time, it's all that I have to talk about & I'm sick of it. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I wish that people would just quit asking, but I know that will never happen. What do you all say to "how are you?".