Learning to say "No"

[Hollydoll85]

:help: !!! I have the disease of niceness and I'm trying hard to learn to say no. Today my mom called me at 10 AM and wanted me to come help her with housework. Instead of saying "I'd love to help but I'm flaring big-time" I dutifully drove over and polished silver, took out trash, went to Wal Mart (arrg and saw my ex's whole family) and made brownies (that I couldn't eat :cussing: ) for a bunch of people coming over to do an article about my mom's singles group at church. I don't mind helping occasionally, but I need some tactful ways to say no. I know that "i'd love to help" earlier sounded pretty good, but my mom always responds "i'm hurting too...I really need you...please....you owe me." And oh man I would :bow: and pray to the god of chocolate if I could have had just one brownie....hehe.

[vm]

I don't have any good advice myself, but I do have this neat passage saved that you might like:


Family Buttons

I was thirty-five years old the first time I spoke up to my mother and refused to buy into her games and manipulation. I was terribly frightened and almost couldn't believe I was doing this. I found I didn't have to be mean. I didn't have to start an argument. But I could say what I wanted and needed to say to take care of myself. I learned I could love and honor myself, and still care about my mother - the way I wanted to - not the way she wanted me to.

~ Anonymous

Who knows better how to push our buttons than family members? Who, besides family members, do we give such power?

No matter how long we or our family members have been recovering, relationships with family members can be provocative.

One telephone conversation can put us in an emotional and psychological tailspin that can last for hours or days.

Sometimes, it gets worse when we begin recovery because we become even more aware of our reactions and our discomfort. That's uncomfortable, but good. It is by beginning this process of awareness and acceptance that we change, grow, and heal.

The process of detaching in love from family members can take years. So can the process of learning how to react in a more effective way. We cannot control what they do or try to do, but we can gain some sense of control over how we choose to react.

Stop trying to make them act or treat us any differently. Unhook from their system by refusing to try to change or influence them.

Their patterns, particularly their patterns with us, are their issues. How we react, or allow these patterns to influence us is our issue. How we take care of ourselves is our issue.

We can love our family and still refuse to buy into their issues. We can love our family but refuse their efforts to manipulate, control, or produce guilt in us.

We can take care of ourselves with family members without feeling guilty. We can learn to be assertive with family members without being aggressive. We can set boundaries we need and want to set with family members without being disloyal to the family.

We can learn to love our family without forfeiting love and respect for ourselves.

Today, help me to start practicing self-care with family members. Help me know that I do not have to allow their issues to control my life, my day, or my feelings. Help me know it's okay to have all my feelings about family members, without guilt or shame.

[donutgirl]

Holly....could your mom possibly be trying to get you up and out of the house? I know that's what my mom used to do to me when I was younger. Unfortunately some people think it is not as bad as we make it out to be because we don't usually look sick with IC. Their solution is to get us up and out so we don't "dwell" on our problems. You could always tell a little white lie...i.e., "Mom, my dr. wants me to stay off my feet as much as possible and I've already been up for awhile today, so I'm gonna have to pass. Wish I could help."

DIANE

[ICNJess]

Holly,

I suffer from the same affliction. There is a neat poem about someone who can't say NO...I will look through my books and find it for you and post it...it's quite inspirational to me. I just feel guilty, especially if it's my mom or dad. They know when I am hurting though and don't ask me to do much when I am--which in turn makes me feel more guilty. :(

Hugs,
Jess

[ICNDonna]

I think you came up with the best possible response when you said "I'd love to help but I'm flaring big-time" --- that's pretty clear. And if she becomes insistent, you might say something like, "I know you need help and I wish I could be there for you, but I just can't right now." If it becomes necessary, "I need to get back to my heating pad." You may need to be firm, but kind.

Warm encouraging hugs,
Donna