Don't really know where to post this.

[Christine36]

I have never seen anything like this on the boards, and I hope it is okay if I vent about this, I am not really sure if this is an appropriate place to post this. If it is not okay, I apoligize. But I really need some support, I am absoulutley hysterical, so here it goes.

My husband is an addict. Just last week he decided to get sober "again". So after a weekend (11/2-11/3) binge he once again went through beginning of rehabilitaion number I don't even know anymore.

We are completely broke. I try to manage the house and my medical bills on my disability but it is next to impossible. I am sure anyone who lives with the disease of addiction knows the total destruction that it causes. Anyway this past Saturday 11/9 he did it again. Did not come home until Sunday morning. So I have not said a word, but I have been very quiet and just made a comment about me not making the car payment(which is in his name) because if he did not care about anything why should I.

Well, that is when the verbal assault began. Everything is my fault. I am not supportive enough,everytime he tries to get sober,I screw it up, all I do is lay around and feel sorry for my self etc, etc. I take care of everything around here,I know deep down it is not my fault, I know addicts blame other people, but that does not make it any easier to take. He was making fun of my crying, he told me he hated me. He told me I just make my illness up, blah blah blah. Oh God, I am so upset.

I know I will never get better in this relationship, I know I just keep getting sicker and sicker living here, but he won't leave.
And I don't have the strength right now to. I have left before but ended up coming back, which makes me very mad, because I left before I got so sick and still had my great job, but like the fool that I am I always believed his empty promises and thought things would get better, what a jerk.

I know I am an idiot I am for staying. I am just so sick right now I can't even pack or get my things together let alone look for a new place to live. I have to much invested in here just to walk away from it all.

I don't have anyone that I can talk to about
this, so thats why I needed to get this out here. I am terrified.My life is a disaster.

I can't write anymore.Right now, thanks for listening. frown.gif

[vm]

Christine: I am glad you could get all that out. I am in recovery and my husband has had some ups and down with addiction, too. I know many of the feelings you are describing and they can be so overwhelming and scary. Have you ever gone to AlAnon? I started going about 3 years ago and it has really helped me a lot. It helped me to have people to talk to who had been there and who would not judge me. It was uncomfortable and scary to go in the beginning - I really had to kind of force myself to go, but I am so glad I did.

I am thinking of you. Don't be too hard on yourself, OK? It is a very difficult thing to deal with and no one does it perfectly. Well, people who have never "been there" sometimes think they would do it perfectly..... <img src="graemlins/lmao.gif" border="0" alt="[lmao]" />

<img src="graemlins/grouphug.gif" border="0" alt="[grouphug]" />

[Teri]

Christine~when I married my husband I had been clean and sober for 26 months. We had to postpone one wedding date because he was off getting hi. Well, we married and he stayed clean and sober...for that summer. I was laid off summers so he had someone to babysit him all the time and keep him out of the dope house. Well, on the VERY day I returned to work he went off on a 3 day binge. His druggin' should have killed him. I would lay in bed at night and pray that he would hit a tree and die. That way he wouldn't have the chance to hurt anyone else in an accident AND I would have an easy out of the marriage. I did such cruel things, like give him greeting cards that were sympathy cards that I was going to send to his family when he finally did manage to kill himself. That 3 day binge turned into a 5 1/2 month binge.

While this was going on I was still going to a meeting almost every day, for MY sobriety, not his. Well, on his last binge he said the most hateful God awful things in the world to me, words that will NEVER leave my head. I came home from work, it was a sunday night, and got ready to leave for my meeting. I was meeting a girl there to get the name of her attorney. Welp, he walked into "MY" meeting and I was sooooooooooo ****** that if I'd have had a gun I'd have killed him, how dare him come to MY meetings, if he wanted to go to a meeting he should have gone somewhere else.

When I finally went home that night I got all the usual promises. That was on 1/11/91 and he has not picked up since. The man won't even take an asprin. He was one of God's miracles. I know exactly what you are going thru. I know all of the feelings that are going thru your head and your heart and if you are not going to get out of that house you have GOT to find AlAnon meetings to save YOU.....screw him. It's YOU that you have to be concerned with right now. Eventually he will have you believing all the cruel hateful things he says to you. I can promise you that. And, that's all I can promise you. The meetings don't cost a dime. It's very very hard in the beginning. You are in a room with all of these people who you don't know. You don't even have to speak. Just go 3 times a week, listen and within a month you will know that you are with the people you need to be with.

There are many many people who manage to live their lives with someone who is practicing. AlAnon is NOT about you leaving your husband. It's about taking care of YOU. That madness you are feeling and that need to talk to someone IS treatable but you have got to do the footwork. I'm sure there are on-line meetings but they will not give you the same effect as face to face. It's amazing once you get to know the other people and you watch the healing take place. You can actually 'see' it in their faces and their eyes.
PLEASE let yourself heal. PLEASE get yourself the help that YOU need and let him to what ever it is that he chooses to do. He doesn't have to take you down the drain with him.......

e-mail me if you want, tell me to kiss your fanny if you want. Just know that I know every single bit of your pain.

gentle hugs~

[ICNDonna]

The others are right. Please find an Alanon group near you. It's typical for an alcoholic to blame others for their addiction --- that way they don't have to admit that they have a problem.

Sending an encouraging hug,
Donna

[Christine36]

I am back, Things are so out of control here it is terrible. Since I first posted, My husband has of course promised me the moon, stars, and sun which he of course does all the time and I being the stupid "wishful thinker" that I am believe him. That was about one week ago.

I can't really go into what a jerk I am, and I have not yet paid my car payment but I paid several other bills and bought some things he needed for a job he is doing.(like an idiot)Monday he got a sizable amount of money, which I was supposed to get because he used my money for supplies. Well he did not come home until 8:00am Tuesday morning. And I got no money. I can't stop kicking myself for being so stupid, you would think that I would learn after being burned 1000 times, but no.

I am in such a flare I can hardly move, my pelvic muscle is in such spasm, I can't urinate and am in the bathroom every 5 minutes and all I do is walk around in a fog and cry. I did go to an Alanon meeting but I did talk to anyone yet. And really have no one to talk to.

I have applied for section 8 housing and also having been looking in the papers for somthing I can afford. The biggest problem so far is I can't find a place that will take all my animals and I am very worried. If I can't have them I will be even more heartbroken. This is all so huge for me right now, I can't even absorb it all. Not that I didn't see it coming but I have "denied" it for so long. My daughter, My house, my gardens, my animals, are the only things I have left in the world. I would love to stay here and probably could afford it if he left, but he is making my life very difficult, and I just need to get away from him as I have been going through this for many years and have had enough. Anyway as much as I have tried, he is very sick and my marriage is only what I have made it in my head. Its a joke. I just think it is somthing that it isn't and has not been for many, many years.

And to top it off, the holidays are right around the corner and that just makes it 10 times harder.

Here is my request. Could you all just pray for me that I will find a way to accept this situation, let things go and find some peace. I have been praying for acceptance but it has not been working on my own, and I thought maybe if I had some backup prayers, The Lord might help me accept the reality, that I have to let this life go and start a new one. Thanks.

Love to you all, <img src="graemlins/kissing.gif" border="0" alt="[kissing]" />

[vm]

I will absolutely pray for you, Christine. Absolutely. <img src="graemlins/kissing.gif" border="0" alt="[kissing]" />

[Tina Nacho]

Christine <img src="graemlins/grouphug.gif" border="0" alt="[grouphug]" /> :
I wish I could come to your house right now! There is nothing wrong with believing is someone and hoping for the best, but I think you know that the writing is on the wall regarding this situation. You have the choice to save yourself and your daughter or sink with the ship.

I know you're sick and it's the worst time not to feel like you can act, but you must. It's time to change the way you think(you don't have to move to do that) and formulate a plan. But you are the one who must be ready for the big change. Once you commit to it, everything will fall into place. I'm not saying it will be easy, it won't, but a least your future will be something you and your child can look forward to with hope. You cannot save your husband, but you can and must save yourself.

By the way, you are not the one who should move. He should! You have a serious medical condition, but even if we exclude that fact, you have a child involved in this. Obviously, he isn't too worried about his behavior and how it effects this child...so guess what? It's time for HIM to hit the bricks! Irresponsible behavior shouldn't be rewarded, so it's time for your husband to get the ultimate wake up call from reality. No one can tell you not to have compassion for your husband, in fact, he very much needs it...and so do you!

AlAnon is a great start in understanding your behaviors that enable your husband to do what he's doing. This does NOT mean his addiction is your responsibility, IT IS NOT. It just means that by staying where your are and looking back on your marital history, nothing seems to be different.

Changing the way you THINK = Changes in your behavior = Changes in your life. Think positive, formulate a plan, commit to the plan and move on to a brighter future for you, your daughter and the animals!&gt;Tina

P.S. Please feel free to e-mail me directly at Sarai9059@aol.com. I grew up with two alcoholics (addicts) and have a great deal of experience to offer.

[Christine36]

I SO UPSET AND I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY CAN SOMBODY PLEASE TELL ME OR AT LEAST JUST TALK TO ME.LET ME EXPLAIN A LITTLE WHAT IS GOING ON.

Well, I have not posted about this subject in a while, but needless to say I still had not left the relationship and was hanging on for dear life. Two months ago my husband totalled my car and things have just been bottoming out daily.

Okay so, after another week has passed without him giving me a dime to pay any bills and going out on a 2 day crack binge,today my husband finally moved out. I was at the Dr. scheduling my hysterectomy and I came home to a note. That said he was leaving. He has left me with no vehicle, no money,(I spent all mine paying the bills)All his clothes are gone, so I am assuming he is gone for good and that is okay,I really should be thankful but I am not. I am so upset and I really don't know why. He just so mad me.
And he's telling me that he doesn't trust me and that I have betrayed him. And as much as I know it is not true, I just feel so oh there aren't even any words right now to describe how I feel. I guess I feel like I can't breathe. Please someone tell me everything is going to be okay, even if you don't think it is, lie.

[Katherine]

Christine please go to Alanon / also please talk to wrap it is a women shelter. I am so sorry that you are struggling I pray that things will get better. I care grouphug grouphug prayers

Katherine

[yvette]

Christine, hang in there....I know its hard but it will get easier. Its good he left but change the locks, if you live in an apartment ---still go ahead & change the locks and get his name off the lease, agreement or any any record that says he shares occupancy.

He may want to come back when he's piddled thru all the money and his welcome is worn out with everyone else.

Can you get help from friends and family? Maybe even consider socking away money with a family member (a little here and there-$5, $10, $20's here and there). If you leave it with someone else's acct--he can't access it. You're prolly gonna need that money.

It's normal to be afraid, you're going out on your own---you'll love it, trust me...it can be a freaky expereince at first. But you really will be oK. And of course this man makes no sense....HE'S ON CRACK!! what crack-witch makes sense...it will always be everyone else's fault as to why he got a **** hand dealto him. And you CAN'T FIX him.


ASK FOR HELP...and keep asking. Katherine brought up a good point seeking counseling and a place like HAWC can help too. THey can give you advice and resources maybe non of us have mentioned. You don't need this guy... if this kind of guy was dating your sister, mother, best friend, wouldn't you speak up and say "dump the loser!"????...yes you would.


Don't freak, we're here for you!!!!
(((((((((christine))))))))))))))

y. :cool:

[ICNDonna]

The others are absolutely right. Do you have any family you can lean on for a little while? Just keep telling yourself that you are not to blame. It's not your fault. If there's a Womenspace or other shelter near you, telephone them --- you do need to have a plan in place when he returns. And they will help you to understand that you have been living in an abusive situation and you need to get yourself our mentally as well as physically.

You will make it!

Warm encouraging hugs,
Donna

[Christine36]

Thank you for your words of comfort ladies.

I just got off the phone with a dear alanon friend. She is going to take me to a meeting on Friday. We read the passage about acceptance in the big book. Until then I will lean on you all here if you don't mind. I am going to try to get some sleep it has been an exhausting day.


Love to you all.

[vm]

Christine - I am soooo glad you can get to an AlAnon meeting. That program has made all the difference for me.

Do you have any of their devotional books - "Courage to Change" or "One Day At A Time in AlAnon"? Those little books are lifesavers for me. With the index in the back I can look up a topic such as - fear, anger, etc. - and find a few readings. Just being able to read something calm and reassuring takes the zing out of scary or sad moments for me.

If you have a little money, take it to your meeting so you can get a book. If you don't have the cash, please explain it to someone there and I am sure they will just give you one.

Hang in there. kissing

[Christine36]

Yvette, I live in a house. But I am calling my lawyer this morning and I want to change the locks. Does anyone know if that is okay to do if it is a house that he owns too. Are there any legal implications if I do that. I know he has rights(I don't really care about them but I know he has them.)

Also I went to get my meds this morning and he took them,all my pain meds, my elmiron, my antidepressants, I had some medication in my case that is marked with the days of the week and some percocet that I kept in my pocketbook but I just refilled everything at the beginning of the month. So now I have no money, no meds, no anything. I probably have enough medication to get me through till tomorrow. But then I will be out. What the hell am I going to do know. Does anyone think I should call my doctor or just suffer until I can get my meds. Because I am starting to get panicy. If I am out of pain med this weekend I will definatly go thru withdrawal. I have been takin Oxycontin for almost a year. I have never had anything like this happen before.

My pain is really bad this morning. I get like that when I am stressed, but at least I slept and that is good. I feel a little better today. I just feel sad. I am sure he treats his crack dealers nicer than he has treated me.But that is just it. When he left me he was so mad at me, it is like he hated me. I understand that is is the "disease" talking, but it still hurts and makes me feel like he never really cared.

I am also upset about my mother-in-law. He has her believing that this is all my fault. No one thinks I am sick, he tells her I am doing this so I can just keep getting pain meds. I don't believe this. But it is very difficult to keep my mouth shut and not try to explain to them how very lousy I feel all the time and how much I hurt.

[Christine36]

Kim,

I have the "courage to chage" book, "one day at a time in alanon" and alanon works. Anything in particular you think I should be reading?

[ICNDonna]

I absolutely think you should call your doctor and see if you can't get the meds refilled.

And as long as your name is on the house, you can have the locks changed. If you're talking with an attorney, you might discuss a restraining order given the fact that this man stole your medications.

Warm encouraging hugs,
Donna

[vm]

In "ODAT" maybe try these on crisis: 100, 124

In "CTC" maybe self love: 183, 206, 151. Crises: 229, 330, 139.

Those are just a few that might be good. What I usually do is say a prayer and ask God to lead me to a reading that would be helpful and then I flip to the index and skim through. Usually something stands out to me and then I read it and reflect on it.

[Susan2]

HI Christine,
Let me say frist, I have no idea what you must be going through, but I certainly can pray for you.
Please don't forget, that God loves His children and He will take care of you, I pray.
Please call your Dr., and explain what happened
and tell him you have to have a refill. Take it one step at a time, and call your doctor.
I wish I could help you more.
GOD BLESS YOU and lots of hugs,
Susan

[Christine36]

I just returned from my Dr and he was more than helpful. He refilled everything that I needed. He knows the situation at home. Now I just need to get them filled that is going to be the tricky part, since I will have to pay full price for everything since the scripts were just filled by my insurance company.

Thanks for all your kind words. Although I am feeling a bit shaky, I feel like this is for the best. We have not had any relationship for a long time. And I guess I am just mourning about what was and what could have been. And I think one of the sadest things in the world is that you spend 13 years of your life with someone and poof just like that they are gone. That is the thing that makes me so panicy. At one time he was my best friend, and a big part of me(even thought I was wrong)thought in some sick and way he still was. Well enough on that because I am starting to cry and I really haven't cried all day.

Bottom line is he is a crack addict. There really is nothing else. My shrink says that even if I were doing all the things that he was accussing me of he would still be a crack addict and very sick individual. Crack has no medicinal value, the doctors are not caring for his crack addiction or advising him to smoke crack.
God ain't that the truth.

Thanks again all,

[Christine36]

Well I was doing great all day and then he e-mailed me and called and was so nasty to me, that it made me very upset. I asked a couple of questions about medical insurance and he told me it was no longer had any right to ask those questions and it was none of my buisness.

I am not the enemy. But I guess I am going to have to be.

No matter what anyone tells me I still feel so crappy about myself I can't stand it. I can't wait to go to that meeting tomorrow.

I have a feeling that I am going to be using these board to vent alot. I hope you all are up for it.

[auntiedeb]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Christine******************** I willbe praying for you. It is not your fault sweetie. Please don't beat yourself up anymore. That is good that he left on his own. Praying for you. Hang in there.

[vm]

We are absolutely up for venting, Christine. Vent away, OK? All of us know how much it helps to get all those thoughts and feelings OUT. Kinda helps take some of their power away.

We are here for you and we love you. I'm glad you can get to a meeting tomorrow night.

[Christine36]

Get a load of this ****. This is a e-mail I just got from him:Christine,

I didn't see any mail on the porch...and I didn't
go inside.
Don't put the house on the market because my mother
is going to buy it for herself....She's thinking
about living there if you're not going to.

I will be using the garage within the next
week during the day for I have some work to finish
up and I need the tablesaw to do it.

Chris ...If you could be honest about your
medication... I could see myself getting sober with
you. Unfortunately...you've only showed me (over
and over again) that your incabable of doing that.
I don't think that I was asking to much, but, you
always made me think that I was crazy for pressing the issue by yelling at me. I will not be the escape goat anymore.Brian

Anyway, I am not going into the whole thing now. But as you can see. Its not the crack, its me and my meds. I really hate him right now.

I offered to get him my prescription records
but he does not want to see them. I don't even know why I would bother. He is a crack head. I just have to keep telling myself this over and over. And ignore all the rest. Easier said than done.

Goodnite all

[MaryFitz]

Christine,

Please forgive me if you feel as though I am telling you how to live your life. I'm worried about you, your daughter and your animals. That is my reason for writing the following.

I hope you get to meet with that lawyer asap. At the very least you can find out your rights. It's a start. Knowledge is power. He shouldn't be able to list or sell the house to his "dear ol' mom" or to anyone without you signing off on the deed of transfer. Clearly, he is not in a right mind. My brother is a cocaine and alcohol addict and for over 15 years my mother never believed that he was violent and manipulative until one day a few years ago she saw with her own eyes his fist coming towards my face. It didn't connect, Thanks to God, but mothers, especially of adult sons, I've found tend to defend them to the end despite clear and convincing evidence to the contrary.

Please do whatever is necessary for you, your daughter, and animals to stay as safe as possible. You can go to your local criminal courthouse in your county/city in which you live to get a restraining order. I know it's only a piece of paper but it can cover you and your daughter. Most likely he's bunking with mom so the police will have no probelm serving him if that is the case. Once the RO is in effect, if he then emails, phones, leaves you notes on the porch, etc., or comes within a certain # of feet from the house, you should call the police/911 and it is an automatic arrest (it is in MA and I believe it is in NY also). DT's and Drug Withdrawal suck while you're cooling off in lock-up overnight.

If you fear for your animals' safety maybe there is a trusted friend or 2 or 3 that could each take one in on a temporary basis. I wish Yvette and I were both living in NY right now...if nothing else just to be there for you.

As far as him turning everything around and attempting to make everything your fault that's simply not true. You are on medication prescribed by a doctor that knows you, taking it as directed and for a severly painful disease. As you already know that is a far cry from from smoking crack.

Love and Gentle Hugs,
Mary

[Teri]

You are about to find out that you have a hell of alot more strength than you EVER thought you had:D So, something wonderful is going to come of this. His disease is in HIS head, not yours. There is NO way you can talk logically with a crack addict. I know, I tried. There is no reasoning, they are DEFINATELY cunning, baffeling and powerful! They can make you feel like you are a complete jerk and that it's all been your fault. DON'T buy into in Christine.

Like the other girls said, get your home protected. Yes, if you change the locks on the doors without a restraining order, he can legally break into the house because legally his still IS you husband and if his name is on the deep, it still belongs to him. Now, with a restraining order, that woudl be different and I think that you sould be thinking about doing that sooner than later because he sounds like he's going to use any excuse it the book to have a reason to hang around.

I can not NOT even begin to imagine what all of this is doing to your bladder. Just know that we are all here for you and hollar, scream, cry, whatever it takes to get you thru the next few months, remember, we are all here for you......

sending you a special angel to keep you stong and safe......I've been there honey, I KNOW you can do it;)

[lildarling]

hi christine hi , i want to say hang in there hon we are all with you on this,and you need all the support you can get right now.don't let him play these head games with you,you are a much stronger woman then you may think at the moment but you can get through this, and if you need to use us to do it, then do so, that is why we are here.i will be sending many prayers your way as well as lots of love. just hang in there, go to your meetings they do help, and stay strong.carry our love with you,educate yourself on your rights,and you will be ok.
much love carolyn grouphug

[Christine36]

I have been up all night tonight, I have a zillion thoughts whirrling through my head and just to be checking these boards and to see all of your message's give me hope and strength. You are all so wonderful. Thank You kissing Thank You kissing Thank you kissing And I certianly don't feel like anyone is trying to tell how to live my life Mary, I am thrilled that you are willing to offer your prayer's and support. I don't always see everything the way it truely is. So having all these fresh, clear perspectives is fine by me.

I don't have an appointment with my lawyer until Monday at 11:00 am. I want to go get new locks today and I will put them on the door myself. But if what you said is right Teri,(and I already thought about him breaking a window.) The thing I do know is if he comes over we will fight. He will not physically harm me. But the harm he will and has done to me verbaly and psychologically will be worse than If he punched me in the nose. I will repeat over and over, I will not buy into this, I will not buy into this. I will do this when he starts his verbal attack. I do not want to be like an insane lunitic anymore. I will call the village police tomorrow, to see what I have to do to go about getting a restraining order. That will be the first think on my list of things to do today.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about the house and I am very torn as to what to do. Now that his Mother-in-law is interested I definatly want to stay(rotton aren't I)We owe $68,000 on the house. It is assessed for $78,000. Both the house and the garage need a new roof and 5 years ago we got white aluminum siding and he took the siding off the back of the house, Needless to say he never put anything back up. The new siding is ruined and the back is only covered in Tyvek Housewrap. This means if we sell it like it is we are more than likley going to take a loss. We also owe two years of back taxes. I have a deferred payment agreement with the county and make a montly payment to pay off the one year, but if the remaining year is not paid off by the end of May. They forclose and we loss the house to anyone who comes up with the 6 grand.

That is why my mother in law is stepping in. To cushion the fall for her baby once again. I have thought about just walking away from it all. It would be so much easier if I did that. I have enough money that I could buy the house outright for what we owe.Have no mortgage payment and then I would take out a small loan to fix up the garage and put an appartment overtop of it for xtra income and I just bought a new computar and want to start doing medical transcription from home, so I do have a plan.(I just have to come up with the money to pay for the course)I could pay the back taxes also.(its my daughters money for collage, and I don't know how morally right it is to use it but I would only use some of it not all.) I currently receive $1200.00 a month in disability and $300 a month in child support, right now my mortgage is only 275.00 (flex rate)My parents want to help, but I hate to take from them. It all seems so huge.Part of me is really excited and part of me is terrified. I want succeed so badly, kinda like I'll show that F&#@*&g B*&#@d. I pray that I can put this plan in action in a clam, rational way, and note let his hurtful words distract me from what I want to do for my daughter's and my life.

Do you think I should keep what I have or go out and start all over again.

I get really really panicy when I think of leaving my house. Since I have been sick this is the only refuge I have. I no longer work so this is it my comfort, my castle, my only real place in this world. The thought of having to go anywhere else is literally incomprehensable to me.

I just pray that I have the strength. That has been my problem up to now. When ever I have gone to leave or started to pack or do too much of anything my pain goes throught the roof and my retention gets to the point were I need to go to sit in the tub to relax my spasming muscle and I have to urinate in there and this goes on every half and hour. And the urgency also starts to pick up, Nice Huh. I hate my body. The good news is that all my Dr's think that my symtoms will definatly ease up after we split. He said next year at this time, Although I will always have chronic illness's I might not feel sick at all.(Wow what a killer stress is)

Sorry I really was rambling. Any opinions, pros cons, has anyone kept any property or have any kinda similar experience to share. I am all ears.

grouphug

[auntiedeb]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Christine****************** Hugs to you. Praying for you. Pray about it and talk about it at the meeting today. Take care of you. You will be ok.

[vm]

Love ya, Christine. You are a strong lady and you can make it through this. You are able to tap into a Power that can help you be OK no matter what your situation.

I heard in a meeting once a unique way to deal with verbal abuse. This woman said her sponsor compared it to walking by a mental hospital. If someone yelled at her from a high, dark window and screamed terrible, awful things --- she would know they were crazy and it wouldn't mean much at all. It would roll right off her. Well, a crack addict is crazy. He's just talking out his "you know what". So just imagine him up in that window and you walking right on by - knowing what he is saying has little to do with you at all.

Let what he says just bounce off your little God force field - you are protected. It sounds like you are doing all the right things for you - you sound very sure of yourself. Remember that during those moments when you may question yourself - you are strong and you will come through this even stronger.

[Susan2]

Hi Christine,
I am talking to you from a Mothers' prospective,
if your parents, want to help you out, why don't you let them? They (I promise) will feel they are doing something to help. I just bet you they feel so helpless. I only know you from the board, and I wish I could do something for you. I have prayed so many prayers for you. I worried about your meds, also, did you get those filled? I know the oxycontin is sooo expensive, but honey you need them. If it helps to talk to us, please write us anytime, we are all here for you.
MAY GOD RICHLY BLESS AND KEEP YOU SAFE
MANY MANY HUGS,
SUSAN kissing

[Teri]

You've got a plan:D That's a great start. And, it sounds like that voice inside is telling you to stay, it's your house so go with it.

You're divorce will NOT be cheap. A crack addict changes skin a few dozen times a day and if he's got parents who are willing to enable him, be prepared to fight. Once you have made your decision, no matter how weak in the knees you get, you've got to stand your ground with him. Do you go to Alanon meetings???? IF not, this would be the perfect time to start! You are going to need all the cheap councelling you can get. Do you have a place to go for abused spouses? The abuse doesn't have to just be physical.....it's ANY kind of abuse.

Treat yourself as you would your best friend. Sit down and talk to yourself and LISTEN to what you are saying. You might not like your own answers sometimes but it's your life and it's in your hands right now.

And, if your parents have offered to help, let them. We have 5 kids and trust me, if they didn't want to help, they wouldn't have offered. We've been thru alot with ours, 26-32 and it seems to get harder than easier :confused: but we only offer help when we really really mean it.

sending some gentle hugs Christine kissing

[Tina Nacho]

Hi Christine:
You are stronger than you think and are wise enough to know which direction you need to take. I have confidence that you will make the right moves, so trust yourself. Like I've said before, you shouldn't be the one to sacrifice everything, because your husband has sacrificed enough for all three of you! He's taken more than a pound of flesh from you and the rest of the family. Any help that anyone has to offer should be seen as an extra push towards your current opportunity...freedom from a very unhealthy situation.

If you feel obligated towards the person(s) helping you, then offer to pay them back at some future date or simply be there for them the next time they need some help. Please do not refuse the help on the basis of pride. When someone steps forward to help out in these kinds of situations, they are the ones who you can truly count on. The door to your new life is right in front of you. It's up to you to commit to stepping through the door of opportunity before you and staying the course no matter what your soon-to-be EX-husband expects, thinks or says.

Hang in there.&gt;Tina

[Jo]

Christine, For your sake and your daughter's, stay strong through all that is happening in your life. I do know what you are going through. I was also married to a drug addict/alcoholic for 17 years and we had two beautiful daughters. I loved the man he used to be before the drugs took everything away. He always made excuses for what he did, there was always someone or something else to blame and I tried to be the understanding wife and lover even though I knew he wasn't faithful to me. He had been through Viet Nam and I lived through those post tramatic nightmares with him. Throughout our marriage the abuse escalated from verbal, mental to very violent physical abuse. Along with the beatings, he would do things to me like point a rifle at me and pull the trigger and tell me the next time it would be loaded. He held a knife to my throat and also tried to choke me when I was about 7 months pregnant with my second daughter. He only stopped when my oldest daughter kept hitting on his back telling him to stop. Throughout our marriage, I also had been the one to work and pay for everything, including the home he picked out, his vehicles, all the bills, and carried him on my insurance. He played all the mind games with me too. I wasn't allowed to watch TV, read magazines, have friends, wear a seat belt in the car while he drove and my clothing had to be a certain way. Shirts buttoned to the top and so on. It was like riding on a roller coaster, or living with Dr.Jekyl and Mr.Hyde. I always thought that this time he would really mean it when he would promise to stop the drugs and drinking and get help. Sadly for him he never did and it eventually caused his own death. The last time he beat me so bad, that when I came to, I was sitting on the floor, rocking back and forth against the kitchen wall with my oldest daughter shaking my shoulder asking me "Mommy, are you OK." That was in 1987 and he was on so many drugs, shooting up, popping pills and drinking anything he could get his hands on. We had already lost our home because he made me quit my job-after all everything was my fault for working-that was why he did all the things he did! I knew I might not survive the next time and I even thought about killing him and I had to protect my daughters. After he came down off of that binge, I had to be strong enough to stand up to him. I finally got him to leave and though for a while, I was subjected to his continued verbal abuse, eventually I was able to divorce him. He died a few years ago due to his drug behavior. I've remarried to a wonderful man who adopted my daughters as his own. Unfortunately, my oldest daughter had already seen too much and felt abandoned by her father and had to go through a lot of teenage problems before she finally came to terms with all the things that just can't be changed-no matter what you try to do-you can only change your life and what you will allow to happen to it and your daughter's life. I'm sorry this is long, but you need to know that there are other's that have made it, even though you will have to be stronger than you ever thought you could and you can do it. We all care for you, Jo

[Teri]

{{{{{Jo**********Thanks so much for sharing your very painful story. My sister was involved in one like that and she finally packed up the kids and left. It was so bad that he had been molesting my sisters daughter by a different husband. My mother got Social Services involved in hoped that my niece would be taken out of the house. It didn't happen so my mother threatened my sister in a way only mothers can do and she gave up custody of my niece to live with her father. My sister left the house and within 2 years she got a call from a relative having trouble getting ahold of Steve so my sister went to his house. He'd been dead for between 5 and 7 days. That's the last memory my sister has of him:( but she had to protect herself and her kids.

These stories are horrible and we all think "that couldn't happen in my house". Welp ladies, it can!

[Jo]

Teri, Thanks. I think it must have been meant for me to have read Christine's post and to let her know that she does have the power to create a different and better life for herself and her daughter. It was mentally painful and difficult for me for a very long time after my divorce. I had been so isolated and there weren't the many help programs now available for domestic violence victims. It took a while, but I remember the feeling of coming "alive" again. There was so much horror during all those years that I had just shut down emotionally. After all those years, it all came back when his family asked me to check on him because they had received word through the VA/police about him being in the hospital on life support. We did and after his family faxed authority to have him taken off, he died a few days later. He was originally from North Dakota and had two brothers in California. None of his family could or wanted to come to Texas and I was asked by them to see to the funeral and burial arrangements. It brought back a lot of pain for me and my oldest daughter. It was such a shame that he wasted his life the way he did because he could have had such a loving family, but the way he chose to live his life was all his own choice. That is what I was trying to tell Christine, that she has the choice to not be treated that way. She owes it to herself and her daughter to have a better, peaceful life. Thank God we all have each other here on this board. Love to everyone, Jo

[Christine36]

I Love all of you so much. All your replies have helped me so the past couple of days. Jo, God bless you for being so strong and sharing your story. You know how you said you loved this man before the drugs took his life away, well that is exactly how I feel. The problem is that I am always looking for that man to return, (I am also always looking for the old me to return too, but that is a whole other post)not that he was not an addict when I met him, but the disease was still in its early stages. I have been waiting for that since the first rehab. But he is gone, and never coming back. That is the reason I believed when he made his empty promisies, I would think that for just a moment I saw the Brian I loved and married. I have always had a problems with acceptance. Having a chronic disease requires acceptance, living with a substance abuser requires acceptance, living in the present requires acceptance. I never realized it before but one of my biggest problems is the opposite of acceptance. Isn't that denial? I have lived in this world I have created in my head that has nothing to do with reality. It is a world where my husband is this charming wonderful man, who cares a great deal about me(like the man I met 13 years ago)In my mind this make believe man still existed so as soon as he made one of his empty promise's I thought "oh here is the guy I have been waiting for" and I would slip right back in to my bubble and spend my time there until someone came along with a pin. But it was never difficult for me to blow that bubble back up again even after it burst for the 1000th time. Boy is that sick. I need a lot of work.

A couple of days ago Kim posted the passage about acceptance under the topic"Favorite Recovery Passages" and the very same day my sister in law told me to keep reading that same passage over and over, especially when I found myself obsessing or feeling particularly anxious. Since I was presented with that passage twice in one day. (and I have never seen it before) I am convinced that my higher power had something to do with it. I am really trying to let that power guide me right now. But sometimes its hard, because fear or my distorted sense of reality,gets in my way.

But I feel okay about things today. I did get to a alanon meeting last night and It made me feel good. I put on one of my favorite skirts and did my hair and makeup. I never have any where to go so it was like a big night out and I am so used to bumming around in sweats and a big t-shirt I thought it would make me feel good and it did. And today when I woke up I realized something else. That althought I am scared, that feeling in my gut of "impending doom" had changed. It is because I no longer have to worry about his mood influencing the rest of the house. Its kinda nice.

I am going to take a nice long walk and then I am off to another alanon meeting.

Love to all of you. kissing

[auntiedeb]

{{{{{{{{[[[everyone****************** thankyou for sharing your stories. Your strength, hope and accpetance of this program. You even helped me :) I am in a 12 step program alanon, havent' been to any meetings lately due to work and me being in so much pain. While I am recovring from my operation, I am going to try to go to some meetings. Thanks for sharing your experinces too. Prayers headed your way. Hang in there. There is hope. Let go and Let God. Live and Learn.

[vm]

Christine, you sound so much better. :) I always remind myself during crises that it will be up and down. But I try to hang onto the "up" times and remember during the downs that it WILL go up again... That the down is temporary and things will seem different as time passes.

Glad to hear you sounding better, sweetie. kissing

[Christine36]

Thanks Kim, I did have a little down time this morning, because he called me at 7:30am to ask me a stupid question. I read a little AlAnon literature. And now I am going to work in the garden.

I am having a little problem with this lawyer thing tomorrow. I know I have to do it but I really don't want to. I am really trying to stay in today, in this moment. Easier said than done.

Thanks again everyone.
You all have helped me see things so much more clearly.

Love and kisses kissing

[Jo]

Christine, To accept the finality of divorce was not an easy thing for me. I also had hoped that something would happen and my first husband would finally realize what he was giving up. I remember praying and saying, "God, I give up and give him to you". You see I had to realize that he would have to change himself, nothing I could do or say would do that for him, I couldn't "fix" whatever was wrong in his head. I also knew I had reached my bottom when I got to the point that I was contemplating killing him to make everything OK. That shook me up so much because I thought how could I have let myself come to that type of thinking. He would not go for rehab and had told me that if I had him commited, he would play their games and when he got out, he would kill me. I knew he was capable of doing that from all of the things he had done to me and other people. Even before our divorce was final, he even told my daughters that he was going to have me killed and it was a fear that I lived with for many years. The strange thing was that even before I found out that he was dying, I had begun to pray for him. I've also made sure my daughters understood that it was his choice to live the life he did and that his choice was because the drugs and alcohol had control over him and it had nothing to do with us. I've also tried to tell them about his heritage and family so that there would be a part of him that they could be proud of. And Christine, without having gone through all that we did, I wouldn't have my beautiful daughters and maybe I wouldn't even appreciate the life I have now. The healing in our minds and hearts is not an overnight thing and there are times I still have nightmares about the things that happened. But I look at my daughters and thank God that they are part of my life. Christine, I will be praying for you that your lawyer will help you take some of the burden from your shoulders. kissing Jo

[auntiedeb]

{{{{{{{{{{{Christine************** You sound so good and postive. I am glad that you read some alanon litureatre. good for you. You are in my prayers and thoughts.

{{{{{{{{Jo**************** thanks so much for sharing your story with me and us. I really appreciate it. Isee your strength, expernice and hope. There is always hope.

Hang in there. One day at a time.

[Christine36]

My strength comes and goes. He was here 2 times today and I have had a terrible day because of this. This is because I allowed it to bother me and there is really no other good reason. I am just dreading tomorrow(lawyer) I am sick to my stomch about it. I am going to read the alanon lit and see if there is anything that can get me out of this.

I wish I could have a slumber party and invite all of you to sleep at my house. You all make me feel so much better. wink

See you all tomorrow

[vm]

A slumber party would be fun wouldn't it? :D Hang in there, Christine. God will carry you through the hard times. Sometimes I imagine Jesus sitting right beside me, holding my hand when I am somewhere and am nervous. I don't know if you believe in Jesus, but if you do you might try that. It really helps me when I do it. I used to do it at night during bad times -- used to imagine Him just holding me as I cried...

[Katherine]

hugs and prayers wow I am so pleased that everyone here supports and loves each other.
Any relationship physical sexual or verberal emotional or addictive abusive is dangerous and needs to be left and safety found. Please my daughter was almost killed by her soon to be xhusband and he sexually abused her./
please get out as quickly as possible for your daughter and your self and animals sake.
Take care.
katherine

[Christine36]

Kim, I used to do the same thing. And Jesus would tell me in this comforting voice that he loved me and everything would be all right. Sometimes he would just stroke my hair. The vision was so soothing, so real And I would actually fall asleep feeling his love.

But I have lost touch with him. And I know he is still there, I am sure that he is closer than I think. I am going to have him soothe me to sleep tonite you can bet on that.

Katherine, don't worry I am going to do everything I said tomorrow regarding the lawyer. As much as I dread it. It is what must be.

Good nite everyone :)

[Teri]

There is a saying when I was going to meetings every day...."What is the defination of insanity?"

'Doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting different results.....' it's that simple~

Today I do my very best to live by that, in ALL things in my life but especially with that man thing that I am married to;)

[Christine36]

I did not write all this last night because it was too long, but Brian(my husband) stopped over last night and we had a long, fairly rational, talk. I don't want anyone to think that I fell for his old manipulative tricks, I am still filing for seperation today nothing has changed, but at least we cleared the air, and I don't feel so upset about things. And maybe he did manipulate me jester in some ways by saying things that I want to hear. But I have to believe that he does not want to die and he really knows what he is and wants a diffrent/sober life even if his illness makes it impossible for him to attain it.

He knows how sick he is and in what danger he is in. He said that he was going to 3 meetings a day and was terrified about Wednesday(the day his unemployment check comes.)because all he wants to do is smoke crack. He told me that he was almost 40 years old and did not have one clue who he was and how to live his life without that drug. He said he did not want to drag me down anymore and although he loved me, it was not fair to me for us to stay together. Because it is going to take him years to get better(true)and in fact that might not ever happen.

All in all the discussion ended on a good note. What he said is the truth and I am now trying to let that truth sink in and kill this stupid fantasy that I seem to think of as truth.

I spoke to my Psychiatrist yesterday for one hour on the phone. Boy "o" Boy am I in big trouble. I am so sick(mentally). My shrink has a lot experience with addiction and he tried to explain to me that Brian is addicted to crack and I am addicted to Brian. He also said that Brian's chance's of recovery are very slim. Although people do recover from crack addition it is a horrible disease and if he does not arrest it he will either be institutionalized or dead sooner that later. Wednesday when I see him(the doctor)We are going to start working on getting me well.(in the addiction/Brian situation) I have been seeing this doctor for 1 year and it feels like I am just starting therapy.We have been working so long on the physical aspect of my illness, and trying to figure out why I keep getting worse instead of better. But I have to say at this point you do not need to be a rocket scientest to figure out what is wrong with me and why I just keep getting sicker and sicker. My Dr. says that if I don't get out of this relationship I will probably be dead before my husband. I am also going to go to another al-anon meeting tonight.

I know I must sound like a broken record(taking about repeating the same behavior over and over again, huh Teri wink )But these message boards have helped me so much, I can't even imagine what this situation would be like without them.

And my poor daughter, she does not understand why I am so upset, (Brian is My daugther's step father) she thinks I should be rejoicing because my husband is gone She keeps saying "Mom, why are you so upset, he's a crackhead, what if I was going out with someone like that?"
She is 16 and I have to get better for her sake, I have been extremly selfish, by staying with my husband for as long as I did. It is time for me to start being fair to her and set an example by showing her you can start over and have a better life.

Well, I have taken up enough space on these boards for this morning.
But I'll be back. :D

[ICNDonna]

It sounds to me like you have taken some huge steps towards your own recovery. You will make it!

Warm hugs,
Donna

[Teri]

Christine~your dr is right about the recovery rate for a crack addict but I have 2 people very close to me, #1 my hubby, #2 a cousin and they have both been clean for over 10 years so it's hard to find a recovering crack addict but they are out there.

YOU do need to take care of you....you already know that, you knew it before your dr even said it. In the end this will make you a stronger person.

I don't know if I've told you this story or not but I'll repeat it just incase.....
The last weekend my husband used, I'd decided I was done. We'd only been married 6 months. He had managed to stay clean for 9 months but "slipped" (I don't believe in "slips, I believe me deliberately make the decision to use** and I came home from work on Sunday...he'd been on a 3 day binge and he tried talking to me and I pushed him away and said "I'm going to a meeting, I don't give a damn if you burn in he$$, I'm going to get better" Actually I went to the meeting to get the name of one of the girls divorce attornies....well, he walked into that meeting and I was SO mad! How dare him come to my meeting. Welp, he's been clean since.
I got better, became un-addicted to him and he got clean. Sometimes there is a happily ever ending;)

sending you tons and tons of gentle hugs~

[auntiedeb]

(((((((((((((Christine******************Wow, I see so much progress in you and you are so strong and you are taking care of you. :) WTG Girl. you keep going. Praying for you. Hang in there. There is hope. I love you. You can do it and you are going to make it. Fake it till you make it.

[poetgirl]

Take care Christine. Just be strong and do whatever you need to in order to be safe. Coming from a family with major addictions on both sides, I know that letting go of someone who is an addict is hard. I'm sure you want to help your husband, but if the situation is as bad as you describe it (and from what I know about crack, I'm sure it is) the only thing you can do is salvage your life and leave him to his. It sounds cruel to do that to someone you love, but by staying, you're actually enabling his addiction to continue. The stress of having to deal with that is only going to take a toll on you physically and emotionally (not good for IC!)so from the standpoint of your physical well-being, you need to leave him and focus on staying healthy.

I'm probably not saying anything to you that you don't already know, but sometimes it helps to know there are people on your side! grouphug

[Christine36]

Its been a while. Hope everyone is well. I have been going to alanon meetings and trying to get well. Everything is still pretty much a mess. But I am just trying to stay in the moment and not worry too much.

I found a great website for people who live with crack addicts. I have been spending a lot of time there.

Thanks to all of you for you support through this horrible time.

I Love you all.

[Christine36]

Hello everyone,

It has been such a long time since I have been here. Things with me are pretty good. My husband is still gone and not recovering at all. He relapsed after 52 days and is trying again but it is not going so well for him. Earlier, when he left I am sure you remember how he blamed me for his sobriety, well at least since he is not living here anymore he is blaming other people and not me for his inability to stay sober. It is always the same story with him, he is truely the definition of insanity....

I guess I am doing well. My friends in the al-anon fellowship say that I have made great strides since I first walked in those doors 3 months ago. My doctors, families and friends say I look better than I have in years, and to be quite honest with you all, even though I still have this stupid constant pain, I have been able to tap into a power that has made me so much better, so much stronger, healthier, before he left I was not even getting out of bed, that was April 8th.

I have not spent a day in bed since. Everyday I paint for 8 hours. I am trying to start my own decorative painting buisness. Every year we have the Hudson Valley Garlic Festival in out town, there is food, arts, crafts, music, it is the 2nd largest Garlic Festival in the country. Anyway, I have been working on a product line and signed up to be a vendor. I am very excited because this has always been my dream, I sometimes feel a bit overwhelmed with taking care of the house inside and out, but I pray alot and my higher power seems to be putting little miracles in my way all the time.

So anyway just wanted to say hello and give you all a little update on my situation. You have all been so kind and supportive during bad times I thought it would be nice to share some good news with you ladies.

Donna,Teri,Deb,Kim,Katherine,Yvette,Tina,Susan, Jo all of you thanks again for all your help and giving me strength when I had none to give. I Love you all very much and think about you guys a lot during the course of my day... kissing grouphug kissing grouphug kissing grouphug kissing grouphug

A Million Kisses and Hugs
Bless you all,
Christine

[vm]

Wow. Christine you sound like you feel so much better - stronger and more confident. Isn't AlAnon (and our Higher Power) amazing??!!! Thanks so much for updating us and I hope you continue to feel better and better. :)

[ICNDonna]

Christine, it's so good to hear from you. I think it's great that you are doing so well. And I hope you sell lots at the Garlic Festival. Please let us know.

Warm hugs,
Donna

[Susan2]

Hi Christine,
I have thought and prayed for you sooo many times.
Its so great to hear from you again, and you seem to be so strong. I am so happy for you, I couldn't help but shed a tear for you as I read your post and how that God has helped you so very much. If you ever need someone to talk to and I can be of some help, please write anytime, and I will continue to say a prayer for you and your daughter.
GOD BLESS YOU ALWAYS
SUSAN

[Jo]

Christine! Wow, you go girl! I am SO proud of you! Wish we could all come to see your work and wish you only the best of success! Jo

[auntiedeb]

WTG Christine. You sound so good and happy. I am so glad that you are doing well and getting your dreams accoplimshed. I would love to see your work and painting. Keep us posted on how you are doing. It has been 3 months already? that went by fast. I knew you could do it. You have done good job and praying for you and your daguther. How is your daughter doing with this? Is she ok? Let us know. email me or pm me anytime. auntiedebbief@aol.com. thanks you have given me encouargement. thanks again. I care and love you.

[gwyn]

hi christine...

good for you!!!!!!
hope you are feeling better...
i will be praying for you grouphug

[Teri]

{{{{{Christine********** YOU are a miracle :D You knew you were sick and you went for help. Screw him, it's you that's important and we all forget that. The recovery rate for a crack addict isn't very high and it is so very very hard on those around the addict. I can still remember my husbands last weekend of drugging....he said to me "you are the ugliest person on the earth. I don't know why the hell I married you" I will carry those words with me forever. Somethings you can't take back.

Please continue with your meetings. There is always the chance, the miracle that he will beable to get sober and stay sober. Every day when I look in the mirror I see a person who is just one drink away for death. I've been looking at her since March 29, 1987. Just proof that any ting is possible.

Isn't it great to beable to decorate the way you want to! I am so lucky because this HB doesn't give a crap what I do. (BUT, painting the steps coming into the basement BRIGHT YELLOW was a bit much. I did it to make people smile when they walked down here and it works) I'm pretty sure that when the high ceilings need painting the yellow steps will be gone too blink blink

Wishing nothing but the very best for you....and, remember, God don't make junk wink

[tigger_gal]

hi christine,
I pmed you before i tried to read all of the post (I have a corneal ulcer) I am glad that you are now free from your husband. It took me leaving mine to get him sober. then I returned home, he has been sober for over a year now.... I will never live like that again. the hurt and pain that he caused me is now turned into acceptance but not forgiven, I had to accept it to be able to forgive I am still working on that, I often wonder how long it will take for the trust to be restored. god bless you christine you are a strong woman :)
Brat