Dating

[peasflone]

I just can't seem to do it. Lots of guys show interest, but I can barely even respond. All I can think about is: How am I going to tell you that I have this huge problem?

Part of it is the fear of rejection, but I also feel this incredible shame. I certainly don't want everyone to know about my problem. The people that do know already treat me like a freak - and those people are my friends and family, the people that supposedly care about me. The last thing I want is for everyone to know I have a 'sex problem.'

When I was sleeping 14 hours a day, it was much easier. I slept through the loneliness. Now that I am awake more and getting older, I feel more pressure to do something. It is really hard to be motivated to date when you have pain at the thought of sex and absolutely no sex drive.

I know I have to get over this, but I feel like a deer in the headlights. I have considered dating services, but I just can't handle it. I guess I'll find a way to break free of this, or spend the rest of my life alone. Right now, I don't know if it is worse to be alone or face the inevitable rejections. I know that there are people out there that will be understanding and that I have to take chances, but it is soooooo hard. Here's hoping that I find the courage. PFO.

[Katrina]

(((((((((((a billion hugs))))))))))))))) I definatly would say you have Interstitial Cystitis when you feel comfortable to do so with a person.....the sex part can come a lot later.

I don't know if you will get any rejections.....but in my book you will find a better person if accepting a Chronic illness is one of their characteristics.

I know process of getting that sex drive back is a hard one...I am in it right now and boy is it a struggle....I wish you well and believe that every step towards that goal is a step of success and just keep trying!

:kiss:

[XoChelsey03Xo]

I understand having low energy and no sex drive at all. Believe me I'm there right now. Luckly I have a very understanding and supportive boyfrined. I know you said you understand there are understanding people out there. I just wanted to add one thing. If you meet someone who truly loves you for you then the IC won't matter. Don't let the IC keep you from passing up a great person who could be your soul mate. I hope things get easier for you. I understand how they can be extremely hard. Chelsey

[ICNDonna]

I think seeing a counselor could really be a benefit for you. I'm reading that you could use some one on one support --- believe me, it can help.

Warm encouraging hugs,
Donna

[Andrew_J]

All good things will come to a man if he will only wait.
--Sir Winston Churchill


Believe me, pea, it's not just women patients who have your worries.

For a man its different. I have been very fortunately in finding lovers (even the EVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL ex-wife) who were understanding of my conditions and the, ah, accomodations necessary for intercourse.

One thing I do know for absolutely certain: you can't have a good relationship until you learn to be comfortable being alone.

I know that sounds like pop-psych BS, but it's not. Both sexes have radar for desperation and need. It's like a neon sign, flashing on one's forehead: "DESPERATE--STAY AWAY." I couldn't get a date for a year after my divorce because I was so desperate to prove I could seduce, no, not the right word, that I could be with another woman, that SHE hadn't damaged me for life. The very first girl I asked out after my divorce told me: "Oh no. I'm not the rebound girl." And, hurt and lonely as I was at that time, she was right to turn me down. I was in no condition to jump from a nasty divorce into a fresh relationship.

So, in my opinion and experience, the best thing to do is put find your "person" out of your mind. Just forget about it. Concentrate on any hobbies you have. Start reading some huge book. Spend time with friends. Do ANYTHING but brood about your condition.

Because, when the times right, when you've learned to be alone with yourself, when you've learned to balance this g******ed disease with your life, then, when you least expect it, maybe from someone you could have never imagined, love will happen. And if it is love rather than mere lust, he will understand. That's why you should spend as much time talking and getting to know each other before getting physical.

My present wife and I had a six month relationship via email (it's not as creepy as it sounds; we've know each other since 7th grade--1982--long before the internet was anything but a Pentagon reserach project) and really got to know each other's minds, hearts, souls in away that the frenzy of lust and the head over heels rush of love can prevent.

Most of my friends most of my life have been female. I've seen so many of them get into bad relationships because of need. Need is your response to the agony of lack. What needs to be cured is that agony. And you can only do it by becoming whole within yourself. Your body's broken. There's little to do about that. But the disease can only take as much of your soul as you let it.

So my advice would be as I said above: concentrate on something, anything other than your manlessness. You remember that scene in Some Kind of Wonderful where Lea Thompson's character says, "It's more important to be with someone for the wrong reasons that to be alone for the right."

Nonsense. If you become a person you like, you can live with, then you'll be a persons someone else can live with.

The sex thing will work itself out. If he's crazy about you and, given the propensity of testosterone to shut down higher male brain functions, it won't bother him.

Because of health problems of wife (and my IC) at one point we weren't able to have intercourse for six months. Our marriage didnt' shatter. Neither of us cheated. We know we have a lifetime left for that. While a successful relationship has to include mutual attraction, it can't be centered on it.

Because, unless you're like my great-grandfather and get kicked out of nursing homes in your nineties for sleeping with the lady retirees, the odds are we're all going to be old, wrinkly and less than capable eventually. And when that day comes, all you'll have is love and the ability to talk to each other.

If there's something more important than sex, it's communication. If a couple's a real match, then be they paraplegics, they can still live a great love. Biology fails.

Real love is forever.

[Andrew_J]

If you've had good results with counselors in the past, I agree with Donna, you might want to try that route.

Personally, I've never gotten anything useful from headshrinkage, but many swear by it. And God bless them if it helped them. If it helps you, go for it.

Sometimes a totally detached individual can give you a sense of the true perspective and true nature of your issues.

But so many of them reflexively prescribe powerful, brain altering anti-depressants first and ask questions later.

(In re: anti=depressants: If you're taking painkillers (and I hope you are, pea!) my experience has taught me that I wouldn't take the first dose of anti-biotic until I'm home. I've tried at least a dozen anti-depressants since I was sixteen and have had bad or no results with all of them.* Just be careful. They can help, but they are not aspirin and not to be taken lightly.

Or, they can be aggressive jerks only interested in pumping pills. Ooops, sorry, that's my experience! I have something of a rep for being facetious on these boards. :)


*Prozac nearly killed me; but that would be off topic, now wouldn't it? And, it's a whole 'nuther story. As I've told my wife, my life would make three TV movies of the week. Guess they could get Tom Selleck to play me. Nah, probably not studly enough. :toosh:

[Julie B]

Giggling at Andrew.............we need MORE male perspective here...........thanks......you lighten things up.............but peasflone.......I really really hear you. One thing I want you to remember, however, is that most people in this world "get" something. Arthritis, diabetes, or something else...........people get sick. I think the hardest thing about this disease is the "potty talk" involved in explaining it. Somehow, talking about our bladders has become shameful. But if you break your arm, you don't have any trouble talking about it. Your bladder is a part of your body that is hurt.

Andrew, tell us your love story, please........you could encourage others...........................sounds wonderful..............and we all need more wonderful...........smiles............

[peasflone]

Thanks for all the input. I appreciate the kind words and good suggestions. I have been to counseling for a couple of years because my family thought my disease was all in my head (no drugs involved). I have been doing very well and achieving all the goals we set (like dealing with my family) - all except the one that requires me to reach out socially. This is the one that causes me problems. I am working really hard to overcome this. My problem is not that I am looking for Mr. Right, I am avoiding him. I think I have finally come to the time when I am physically and emotionally strong enough to handle dating. I expect to stumble a lot, and run into people that will not accept my situation. I also expect to move on gracefully and deal with it. Maybe I'll never find anyone that suits me, but I believe my life will get very interesting as I try. PFO.

[Myli]

The suggestions for counseling are right on. Let me suggest approaching this from another perspective. Instead of seeing that guy as a potential boyfriend and thus bringing in a sexual perspective, try finding some male friends. Being friends before you fall in love will make for a stronger relationship in the end. And you don't want a male to pressure you for sex or for you to feel that sex has to be a part of the 'relationship' in order to have a relationship.

Find men who like to do the same things you do. Whether you meet them in church groups or other social situations, if you have an interest in common, friendship is more likely to bloom without the demand that it include sex.

I once represented a man after a divorce who had just had surgery that left him dependent upon an ostomy?, a bag for urine I think it was, but it might have been bowl related. I had a relative who had had the same surgery. I was able to reassure him that he would find love again, that this disability didn't make him any less of a person. And that he wasn't condemned to a life alone.

Neither are you. My suggestion is don't put too much pressure on yourself. Do see a counselor to deal with these issues, I'm sure it will help. If the first counselor doesn't help, find another. Your value as a person doesn't depend on sexual intimacy for it's existance. The person who loves you will love all of you.

/hugs
Myli