I don't recognize my own reflection anymore : (

[crystilclear]

I really feel like I'm gasping for air here. I'm trying so hard to be a good mom and wife. Two night's ago I broke down and cried so hard. The sound seemed to be comming from the core of me. My hubby and I were arguing and I said well maybe I'll just giveup and die. Ofcourse I didn't really mean it but the hurt I saw in his eyes was more than I could take. I took a shower and didn't recognize my own body. It has become so inflammed and swollen. I cried even harder really feeling so disgusted with the person I've become. I try not to bring people down when they call to inquire about how I am. Do I tell them that the sadness has invaded my soul and the pain can be felt throughout every pore, every thought, every moment? No I saw yah I'm tired and a little achy but I'm alright. How can I begin to explain to them the extent of my sadness and struggle. Some days are better than others. How can I deal with the guilt? I feel like a bad mom. They hardly went out this summer. I feel like I am damaged goods. Yah I know I should talk to someone about this but that would mean more bills. We are in so much debt already from my medical bills. Can I get state help even though I have only had one job my whole life? I got pregnant very young and was on bed rest from 4 months on with her. After I had her I hemmoraged and after I got out of the hospital I was on bed rest for 3 more weeks. Then I had to take care of my dying father for 3 and a half months until he died. I stayed home and took my mom's place there because she had to work. I never got to go back to school. There are so many things I can't say but my life has been really hard and why this now? The forms of arthritis I have are VERY painful add a whole bunch more diseases and disorders to that and emotional trauma I'm still trying to heal from. It just seems so hopeless right now. Why couldn't I have ONE just ONE disease that was curable? The thought of having these things forever is horrible. The IC, GURD, PMS Syndrome, Vulvadynia, Ulcerative Colitis, Fibromyalgia with overlapping Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, psoriatic Arthritis, Psoriasis, PFD, Dysmenorrhea, Migraines, frequent boils, Post Tramatic Stress disorder, allergies, Anxiety disorder, and Ankylosing Spondylitis. Now I am getting ready to be tested for endometriosis or possible fibroids. I know that there are a lot of you in way worse shape than I am and I'm so sorry for you all. I don't mean to make it sound like I have it the worst because I know that's not true. It is hard dealing with IC alone. It is hard because sometimes every inch of me hurts. Sometimes I can barely make it out of bed but I know I have to for my kids. It is so hard but I make sure I take care of their needs. They are well taken care of and loved immensely but I am sad because I want to do so much more for them. I don't drive so they miss out on a lot. Our family does help out with buying them clothes and stuff. I am so grateful to them all. My mom is supposed to move next to me but it is taking forever. I don't and won't push her because I already feel like a burden to everyone. I'm so happy she's comming. She ofcourse will help but just her companionship and love is enough for me. We get along so well. She loves her house and I realize how much she's sacrificing for me. She does it gladly as would I for any of my children. Even though I understand that I feel bad. Anyways how do those of you who feel sort of like this sometimes feel better? I hope you all are feeling better. Take care - Chris

[ICNDonna]

Please let your doctor know how you are feeling --- print out your post and take it with you to your appointment. It sounds very much like you may be suffering from depression, which can be treated.

Also --- getting state assistance with medical bills is not based on work history, but rather on need --- and household income.

Warm healing thoughts headed your way,
Donna

[Dixiefireball]

don't worry about anohter bill you need to get to a doctor and get his depression taking care of.
have you tried to sign up for you ssd to apply call 1-800-772-1213 they can do the interview over the phone but it want be the same day.
have you apply for medicaid this will pay for your hosp bill doctor bills er visit and four rx a mth.
Please get to a doctor to treat your depression you have more on your plate then you can handle dear.

Please know your loved your not damage goods you are needed. things will get better keep praying hon. take care of yourself.
sending you hugs and prayers
Rhonda

[Audrey Rose]

Chris,
You need to know that chronic pain uses up your store of seratonin which is the chemical in the brain that regulates mood. Since you suffer from migraines, it is evident that you are sensitive to serotonin fluctuations. You definitely need to discuss these feelings with your doctor. There are medications that help keep your serotonin levels where they need to be. I am not saying you are being over dramatic, you are going through a whole heck of a lot of stuff, but it is a bit easier when you are not severely depressed. I am on lexapro for my PTSD and anxiety disorder. I have not had any side effects and it has helped a lot with my depression and once frequent panic attacks. I am down to 2-3 panic attacks per week now, as opposed to 2-3 a day. I am also in psychotherapy weekly, but I understand about financial strain. In my case it became an absolute necessity. I sorta went over the edge. I just want to save you from that dreadful experience. I am sure you are heading in that direction. Please talk to your doctor. Medication can really be helpful.
:pray:
If you need someone to vent to, please PM or e-mail me. I do understand where you are...I am there too, but I am trying to climb out. Come with me!!!

BIG HUGS and A :kissing:
Michele

[July]

Prayers are going out for you from me, Chris! You are a wonderful person (as your many posts clearly show how you want to help others)! You will be rewarded by God for being such a great person! The real you is still in there and always remember that nothing can separate us from God's love!

July

[jen_dahling]

It sounds like you are trying very hard to remember what is important to you and what it takes to keep a positive attitude through the hard times. I commend you for that, Chris. You have been through way more than I could ever imagine and you deserve to feel better, not just sometimes, but ALL OF THE TIME! It isn't normal or ok to let this depression get as bad as it is for you. Please do as Donna has suggested and talk with your doctor about this post and how you are feeling deep inside. The despair isn't healthy for you and you have it for a reason! Your body is taking over your emotions so please try to remember that there is no blame to be placed! This isn't your fault or anything that could have been prevented in the first place. You can only treat your condidtions and seek pain relief. I do hope that you talk to your doctor about this depression and maybe seek therapy. I know that it has helped me in the past and it could really help you. If you think that your bills are outrageous now, then think of what they could become if you do not try to get help. I think that you CANNOT afford to keep going without further help, both physically nd mentally. You are worth it! Once the cloud lifts then you can really be there for yourself and your family. You are a work in progress so give the process the time that it needs to feel better. I know it is a hard thing to do so please keep posting here and never feel that you are alone. Take care!

[crystilclear]

You are all so sweet. Thanks so much for the advice. I was told of a good place to go which is close to me. I'm going to call and try and get something set up asap. I think the most upsetting thing is that even going grocery shopping is too much right now. For the last week the pain has ben so bad I've been taking the Hydrocodone, Ultracet, and Flexeril at the same. I"m not always so down but it's hard right now. I am so so so tired everyday. The swelling is horrible and hasn't gone away at all. My ankles have been swelling for a couple years but now it's almost everywhere. Does anyone else out there are psoraitic arthritis? And if so any advice would be appricaited. You are all so awesome. God bless you all and take care - Chris

[Katrina]

Chris, when I am asked how I am doing....I refuse to tell people ok.....I try to be truethful without complaining tuns......I give the answer truethfully....and than move on to a different subject or make a joke to lighten things some.....I pray for you....being multi diseased is a huge problem....to be so and a wife and mother are even bigger. (((huge hug)))) I suffered from situational depression at one time in my life ....at that time I did the wrong thing of making a list of all that goings wrong in my life.....today I make lists of the blessings...and have symptom lists for the doctors...but I keep a focus on helping others and doing what I can. Remember that everything you do for your family (even if you wish you could do more) is a gift you are giving them. (((((((((lots of love, take care)))))))))

[crystilclear]

Thank you it is so comforting knowing that other people really understand me. I know you have so many problems as well and you are such a bright light here. Thank you for responding and for your encouragment. You do help so many people here and there are so many wonderful people you and you are one of them. I know I have so many blessings. It is always good to be reminded of that. It is easy to become too involved in the horrible pain. If that is all I ever focused on I would be in deeper trouble than I'm in now. A question sometimes it is hard to tell what is s message from God and what isn't. How do you know and become better at listening to God's voice and direction for your life? Take care - Chris