MakinIT
09-19-2004, 10:56 PM
It's 1:00 AM and I'm having my usual midnight can't sleep period. I generally wake up every hour to two so I can pee but there are nights when I wake up around this time and I'm anxious, depressed, can't deal with my situation. I really hate this. My older daughter and I (she's 14) went around today (started during my midnight awake period last night when she was up with her cousin who is a HORRIBLE influence on her) I spent quite a while yesterday, while feeling pretty crappy, cleaning the kitchen and bathroom. I at least got the princesses to pick up the house. (Hey, I know parents create what they get but I'm too tired often to argue stuff and my husband is the fun and always silly guy, who sets limits but is often distracted and doesn't notice they aren't doing their jobs.) So, I wake up at 2:00 AM, as older daughter is heading to bed...she and her her cousin made a HUGE mess in the kitchen. Nachos, they made, from scratch, snickerdoodles, I had stuff strewn from one end to the other and I am anal enough to HATE waking up and seeing my sink so full of dirty dishes I can't get to the faucet. (Yes, we have a dishwasher, they just didn't to unload it, as it was, it took three loads to clean their mess) so I had a huge fit in which we both wound up crying.
She did get up before I did this morning and cleaned to the best of her abilities, which is all I ask. I am working on the small stuff (How to clean the glass stove top, wipe out the microwave when the nachos explode, use something to cover the nachoes...ya get the pic)
So then, today....I did reclean the kitchen to get cookie dough off the cabinets and floor and cheese scraped from my porcelin sink.BUT she did at least get up and clean up her mess....(the dishes is HER job anyway) SO..she and her cousin pretty much hung out in her room most of the day, ignoring her adorable Welsh Corgi puppy she had to have. I guess what ****** me off is these decisions that affect me are made without my input taken seriously. I knew damn good and well that kid wasn't going to take of HER dog as she calls it. We have him all potty trained but because she and her cousin were ignoring him, he pooped twice on the carpet. She made a big deal out of retching and crying about cleaning it up so her dad cleaned up the first one. I was furious. I could her giggling about how she can get her dad to do anything by crying. So, when puppy scratched at door again, and I told her, "he needs to go out" and she replied "when I eat my lunch" He pooped again on her bedroom floor. THIS time the waterworks weren't working. I chewed her out for ignoring the dog, most of the time (thank god I'm home, he'd never have any interaction) THEN my younger daughter (8) asked me how much 1,000 and 100 were. Now, mind you, I am a teacher. I started to ask her what she thought and she just said she was curious. By now, I was burnt out so I just Eleven Hundred and before I could explain that, she blew up and screamed there was no such possible number. (She was sent to her room and not allowed to come out for the rest of the night, although I did go in and talk to her about it)
Where along the way have I lost the disrespect and love of my kids. I found a note today written by my older daughter to my husband. It was written while he had cervical neck pain and surgery. She just gushed with worry over him, telling him "oh, I love you...I'm so worried" for me, she just says "sucks to be you" before flouncing off somewhere. I'm not mean. I'm actually a very funny person. I was found bawling on my bed when my husband came in and I just poured all this out so he took Caitlin for a walk and they just talked about HS and alot of things before he got around to me. She says I nag. Roger asked a specific example and she stated asking her to clear the dinner dishes. He noted that it was 15 minutes after dinner, I was patiently waiting to see what she was going to do, and when she came out next, I just said "so, when do you think those dishes can be cleaned up?" That's all I said. Roger described what nagging was and was very clear that I am not one. Finally, I spent all day looking for my brand new iPod (hubby knows music is one of the things that soothes me so he bought me a 20GB one) I was updating my library. I had it out yesterday to show it to someone and slid it into my computer case to recharge later. This morning, I went to recharge it before I down loaded it, and it was gone. I looked everywhere. The dresser in my room I cleaned off and put the stuff back on looking for it. The kids knew I was upset. When Roger got home, I told him. He walked in to the bedroom and it was sitting on the dresser. Roger pulled Caitlin fromher room and just very nicely asked her if she had seen it....whatever..I believe her when she says No. But her cousin has stolen stuff before from our house and the girls were watching a movie on my computer last night.
When cousin left, she didn't say bye and she didn't make eye contact.
Sorry to be so pathetic and give you all these details, My insurance cut off my visits to the psychologists who was amazingly working wonders with me. I can't see him until the next insurance cycle....( I think January) unless I want to pay $150 bucks. I may do one appointment just to keep me from ripping my hair out. They had to up my morphine, because there is not much else to be done for me in terms of pain control....I've tried almost all the other treatments and I didn't want to keep taking percocet for breakthrough pain as it seemed I had constant breakthrough pain. (the doc noted I have never had an increase, been on the same dose for over a year....I thought my IC was just worse) I'm stranded at home because my doctor ordered me not to drive. (Just as well, I scare myself) I am going tomake a 2 block run to the store tomorrow because my husband is just running ragged trying to keep up with everything. :dogrun:
You are all so awesome. I know I don't visit as often, my mood has been glum, feeling like a hamster on a wheel that goes nowhere. Since my SS has been denied a second time, I got a packet from my lawyer of stuff to put together. GEEZ...I can't drive, How the heck can I do this? (like copies of this and that, records from different doctors who want me to sign away my life on medical releases first. I need a fax machine) Sometime in the next 3 months, I have to see the Administrative law judge. I'm nervous as hell.
Well, I'm going to try to go to bed. Maybe I'll take a valium tonight so I can sleep.
Thanks for listening to my rant
Tracey
She did get up before I did this morning and cleaned to the best of her abilities, which is all I ask. I am working on the small stuff (How to clean the glass stove top, wipe out the microwave when the nachos explode, use something to cover the nachoes...ya get the pic)
So then, today....I did reclean the kitchen to get cookie dough off the cabinets and floor and cheese scraped from my porcelin sink.BUT she did at least get up and clean up her mess....(the dishes is HER job anyway) SO..she and her cousin pretty much hung out in her room most of the day, ignoring her adorable Welsh Corgi puppy she had to have. I guess what ****** me off is these decisions that affect me are made without my input taken seriously. I knew damn good and well that kid wasn't going to take of HER dog as she calls it. We have him all potty trained but because she and her cousin were ignoring him, he pooped twice on the carpet. She made a big deal out of retching and crying about cleaning it up so her dad cleaned up the first one. I was furious. I could her giggling about how she can get her dad to do anything by crying. So, when puppy scratched at door again, and I told her, "he needs to go out" and she replied "when I eat my lunch" He pooped again on her bedroom floor. THIS time the waterworks weren't working. I chewed her out for ignoring the dog, most of the time (thank god I'm home, he'd never have any interaction) THEN my younger daughter (8) asked me how much 1,000 and 100 were. Now, mind you, I am a teacher. I started to ask her what she thought and she just said she was curious. By now, I was burnt out so I just Eleven Hundred and before I could explain that, she blew up and screamed there was no such possible number. (She was sent to her room and not allowed to come out for the rest of the night, although I did go in and talk to her about it)
Where along the way have I lost the disrespect and love of my kids. I found a note today written by my older daughter to my husband. It was written while he had cervical neck pain and surgery. She just gushed with worry over him, telling him "oh, I love you...I'm so worried" for me, she just says "sucks to be you" before flouncing off somewhere. I'm not mean. I'm actually a very funny person. I was found bawling on my bed when my husband came in and I just poured all this out so he took Caitlin for a walk and they just talked about HS and alot of things before he got around to me. She says I nag. Roger asked a specific example and she stated asking her to clear the dinner dishes. He noted that it was 15 minutes after dinner, I was patiently waiting to see what she was going to do, and when she came out next, I just said "so, when do you think those dishes can be cleaned up?" That's all I said. Roger described what nagging was and was very clear that I am not one. Finally, I spent all day looking for my brand new iPod (hubby knows music is one of the things that soothes me so he bought me a 20GB one) I was updating my library. I had it out yesterday to show it to someone and slid it into my computer case to recharge later. This morning, I went to recharge it before I down loaded it, and it was gone. I looked everywhere. The dresser in my room I cleaned off and put the stuff back on looking for it. The kids knew I was upset. When Roger got home, I told him. He walked in to the bedroom and it was sitting on the dresser. Roger pulled Caitlin fromher room and just very nicely asked her if she had seen it....whatever..I believe her when she says No. But her cousin has stolen stuff before from our house and the girls were watching a movie on my computer last night.
When cousin left, she didn't say bye and she didn't make eye contact.
Sorry to be so pathetic and give you all these details, My insurance cut off my visits to the psychologists who was amazingly working wonders with me. I can't see him until the next insurance cycle....( I think January) unless I want to pay $150 bucks. I may do one appointment just to keep me from ripping my hair out. They had to up my morphine, because there is not much else to be done for me in terms of pain control....I've tried almost all the other treatments and I didn't want to keep taking percocet for breakthrough pain as it seemed I had constant breakthrough pain. (the doc noted I have never had an increase, been on the same dose for over a year....I thought my IC was just worse) I'm stranded at home because my doctor ordered me not to drive. (Just as well, I scare myself) I am going tomake a 2 block run to the store tomorrow because my husband is just running ragged trying to keep up with everything. :dogrun:
You are all so awesome. I know I don't visit as often, my mood has been glum, feeling like a hamster on a wheel that goes nowhere. Since my SS has been denied a second time, I got a packet from my lawyer of stuff to put together. GEEZ...I can't drive, How the heck can I do this? (like copies of this and that, records from different doctors who want me to sign away my life on medical releases first. I need a fax machine) Sometime in the next 3 months, I have to see the Administrative law judge. I'm nervous as hell.
Well, I'm going to try to go to bed. Maybe I'll take a valium tonight so I can sleep.
Thanks for listening to my rant
Tracey